• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
TherapyDave

TherapyDave

Gottman Certified Therapist in Eugene, Oregon

  • Home
  • Gottman Couples Therapy
  • Individual Counseling
  • Rates
  • About
  • Therapy Resources
  • Make Appointment

How to Turn Towards a Partner’s Bids for Emotional Connection

Dave Lechnyr, LCSW · March 5, 2021

It’s important to feel that our partner notices or responds to our needs. This is referred to as “Turning Towards” ones’ “Bids for Connection” in the Gottman literature. Bids for connection include attempts to get our partner’s attention, interest, or support.

For example, you may think that your partner doesn’t notice when you need to get your partner’s attention, of if you need to talk about something, or to joke, play, and have fun. If this goes on long enough, it is possible for resentments to leak into every interaction. As a result, it is critical that you work on recognizing and positively responding to bids for connection.

The Gottmans found in their research that successful couples “turn towards” each other’s bids for connection 85% of the time, while unsuccessful, unhappy couples only “turn towards” each other’s bids 35% of the time.

Another possibility is that your partner’s interest and enthusiasm has rarely matched yours. If so, it can be difficult to create enough safety and trust in the relationship in order to correct this imbalance until any past failed bids for connection have been fully processed, especially those that have felt like emotional injuries or betrayals. This can take a long time to repair and may require the assistance of a trained therapist, so be patient.

Sometimes partners innocently don’t recognize when a bid for connection is being made. In these instances, you will need to talk with your partner about the various ways you like to make your bids for connection, in order for your partner to recognize these as genuine bids.

Sometimes, partners believe that needs should be able to be recognized and responded to without being expressed (i.e., loving partners should be able to read each other’s minds). In these instances, it’s important to remember that this belief is a myth.

You should also explore each other’s family history regarding getting your needs met and whether or not it was ok to express needs. There is a strong correlation between having a childhood history of not being able to express one’s needs and having a fear about expressing needs.

Recommended Articles

  • Why Gottman Method Couples Therapy Really Works
  • How Do I Improve Our Communication Skills?
  • Angry Spouses can be Hazardous to Your Health
  • Why Does it Hurt So Much When We Fight?

Filed Under: Gottman Couples Therapist Tagged With: Communication, Emotional Connection

About Dave Lechnyr, LCSW

Dave Lechnyr is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Eugene, Oregon. He works with individuals and couples who want help in navigating life and who desire to become a better version of themselves. He is a Gottman Certified Therapist and has also trained in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.

Are you ready to get started? Request Appointment

TherapyDave

© 2023 Dave Lechnyr, LCSW, ACSW
2440 Willamette Street, Suite 101C
Eugene, OR 97405
541-705-4666

OR #4134 · AZ #17754

  • Terms
  • Privacy
  • Good Faith Estimate
  • Client Portal