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Red Flags and Warning Signs in Modern Relationships

Dave Lechnyr, LCSW · June 14, 2022

The first step toward improving or enhancing your relationship is to understand what happens when relationships fail.

Learning about failures can prevent you and your partner from making the same mistakes over and over again, or rescue your relationship if you’re already in that cycle.

Based on Dr. John Gottman’s groundbreaking research in “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” these are the six things that can lead to relationship failure:

Harsh Startup

The most obvious indicator that a conflict discussion is not going to go well is the way it begins.

The Four Horsemen

Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that the Gottman Institute calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

Flooding

This means that your partner’s negativity – whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness – is so overwhelming that it leaves you feeling physiologically flooded.

Body Language

Certain physical changes such as increased heart-rate, sweating or lack of eye-contact are signs of distress and make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.

Failed Repair Attempts

Repair attempts are efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a discussion. The failure of these attempts is an accurate marker for an unhappy future together.

Bad Memories

In a happy relationship, couples tend to look back on their early days fondly. Struggles or “rough patches” are viewed as something they overcame together.


Learn how to address these relationship red flags by working with a Certified Gottman Therapist. This type of therapy, designed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, uses techniques to help you and your partner learn strategies to manage flooding, improve conflict conversations and repair poor communication.

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Recommended Articles

  • Why Gottman Method Couples Therapy Really Works
  • How Do I Improve Our Communication Skills?
  • Why Does it Hurt So Much When We Fight?
  • Angry Spouses can be Hazardous to Your Health

Filed Under: Gottman Couples Therapist

About Dave Lechnyr, LCSW

Dave Lechnyr is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Eugene, Oregon. He works with individuals and couples who want help in navigating life and who desire to become a better version of themselves. He is a Gottman Certified Therapist and has also trained in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.

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