Discernment Counseling: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Discernment Counseling can be particularly useful when working with couples who are on the brink of separation but are not completely certain that’s the path they want to take. It’s a way to respect the ambivalence and guide the couple to a more thoughtful decision.

This approach helps couples to better understand their relationship dynamics, their individual contributions to the problems, and to evaluate whether they can and want to solve their issues together. It is particularly focused on couples where one partner is leaning towards divorce (often referred to as the “leaning-out” partner) and the other wants to preserve the marriage (the “leaning-in” partner).

The Three Paths of Discernment Counseling

Unlike traditional couples therapy, the focus of Discernment Counseling is not to resolve relational issues. Instead, it is designed to provide clarity and understanding about your choices. It helps each of you gain clarity and confidence in your decision about the future of the relationship, based on a deeper understanding of what has happened to your relationship and each person’s contributions to the problems. This approach can lead to three potential paths: a decision to commit to therapy to work on the relationship, a decision to divorce, or a decision to take a time-out and decide later:

• Path 1 is staying together as you have been. Most people don’t want this, but when they look at Paths 2 and 3 they tend to choose Path 1 by default.
• Path 2 is the separation or divorce path.
• Path 3 is the reconciliation path. It includes a commitment to 6 months of couples therapy to see whether you can put your relationship into a healthier place for both of you. It is not the path of staying married or avoiding divorce forever. It involves taking divorce off the table for 6 months, during which time you both commit to working on yourselves and the relationship.

The Discernment Process in Counseling

Since Discernment Counseling is designed to be time-limited, it consists of a maximum of 5 sessions with a therapist.

Session 1: Understanding the Issues.

In the first session, we’ll explore the primary concerns and reasons that have led to considering discernment counseling. We’ll discuss your individual perspectives and establish clarity on what each partner is grappling with regarding the future of the relationship. The focus will be on understanding the decision at hand without pressure to resolve the concerns immediately.

Sessions 2 – 3: Exploring the Relationship Dynamics

The second session delves deeper into the dynamics of your relationship. We will identify patterns and interactions that have contributed to your current challenges. This session provides a safe space to express feelings and thoughts that may have been difficult to share previously. Understanding each other’s experiences and views is crucial for making an informed decision about your relationship.

Session 4: Reflecting on Possibilities

In this session, we will reflect on the potential paths forward, including staying together and working on the relationship, separation, or other options that might be relevant. We will explore what each path might look like and discuss the possible outcomes and implications of each choice. This is a critical session for envisioning the future and considering what changes are necessary for each potential path.

Session 5: Implementation

The final session is focused on making a decision based on the insights gained in the previous sessions. We will review the discussions and reflections from earlier sessions to aid in this decision-making process. The aim is to reach a mutual understanding and decision about the future of your relationship, whether that involves renewed commitment, separation, or another course of action.

Ground Rules from Your Discernment Therapist

It’s important that both partners agree to these rules and understand that they are designed to create a safe and respectful environment that can facilitate a more clear-headed and mutual decision about the future of their relationship.

1. Commit to the Process: Agree to fully engage in the discernment counseling process without making any immediate decisions about ending the relationship for the agreed-upon duration.
2. Respect Each Other’s Perspectives: Acknowledge that each partner may have different feelings and thoughts about the relationship, and agree to listen to each other without judgment or interruption.
3. Confidentiality: Agree that what is said in counseling stays in counseling, unless both partners consent to share it outside the sessions.
4. Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication both in and out of sessions. Avoid withholding significant thoughts or feelings that could be pertinent to the counseling process.
5. Reduce Harmful Interactions: Agree to abstain from behaviors that are known to be hurtful to the other partner. This includes verbal aggression, name-calling, physical violence, and threats of divorce or abandonment.
6. Pause Major Decisions: Agree to postpone any major life decisions or changes (such as large purchases, moves, job changes, or parenting decisions) that could add stress or influence the discernment process.
7. Maintain Privacy: Refrain from involving children, family, or friends in the details of the discernment process to prevent outside pressures from influencing personal decisions.
8. Keep the Focus on the Relationship: Commit to focusing discussions on the relationship issues rather than personal attacks or unrelated grievances.
9. Boundaries on Social Media: Agree on appropriate boundaries regarding the use of social media to ensure privacy and respect for each other during the discernment process.
10. Individual Reflection: Encourage individual time for reflection and self-care to maintain clarity and emotional stability.
11. Mutual Respect for Individual Spaces: If living together, respect each other’s need for space and time apart within the household, acknowledging that individual processing is as important as joint discussions.
12. No Major Relationship Changes: Agree not to make any significant changes in the relationship dynamic, such as starting or ending affairs, during the discernment period.
13. Regular Check-Ins: Establish a routine for how often you will check in with each other about your thoughts and feelings regarding the process without pressure to make a decision.

By following these guidelines, couples can create a safe and supportive environment for exploring their relationship and making informed decisions about their future together. Discernment Counseling provides a structured approach to help partners navigate this challenging process with the guidance of a trained therapist.

What if I’m torn between Discernment Counseling and starting Gottman Couples Therapy?

Feeling torn between Discernment Counseling or actually working on repairing your relationship? Even after learning about Discernment Counseling, many couples grapple with this decision, unsure of which path to take. That’s why it’s important to evaluate these two powerful approaches designed to help couples in dire straits. Whether you’re leaning towards rekindling your connection or seeking clarity about your future together, you’ll find practical insights to help you move forward. Discover your options so that you can take the first step towards relationship clarity.