When a marriage reaches a critical crossroads, traditional couples therapy may not be the answer. For couples where one partner wants to save the relationship while the other is considering divorce, discernment counseling offers a specialized approach to gaining clarity and confidence about the future.

Hint: For those who are simply looking for how to bring up Discernment Counseling to a resistant partner, you can skip ahead for some ideas.

Understanding Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling is a brief intervention designed specifically for “mixed-agenda” couples where one spouse is ambivalent about staying married while the other is interested in reconciliation. Unlike traditional couples therapy, which assumes both partners are committed to working on the relationship, discernment counseling accepts ambivalence as a starting point.

The counselor acts as mediator, offering unbiased guidance for individuals with opposing viewpoints on the relationship. This approach honors both partners’ positions without judgment or attempting to convince anyone to stay or leave.

Who Benefits from Discernment Counseling

Research Dr. John Gottman and The Gottman Institute indicates that couples wait an average of 6 years after problems start before seeking help. By this point, many couples arrive with mixed agendas that make traditional therapy less effective.

Discernment counseling is appropriate when:

One partner is “leaning out” (considering divorce) while the other is “leaning in” (wanting to preserve the marriage)
There’s uncertainty about whether couples therapy would help
Traditional therapy feels premature because commitment to the relationship is unclear
Past attempts at couples therapy have been unsuccessful due to mixed commitment levels

The Discernment Counseling Process

Discernment counseling typically spans two to five sessions. The format differs significantly from traditional couples therapy, with sessions carefully structured to support each partner individually.

Sessions emphasize individual perspectives from each partner, followed by carefully structured couple sharing. This unique approach allows the therapist to:

Meet each partner where they are emotionally
Explore individual perspectives without pressure
Help both partners understand their contributions to relationship problems
Create space for honest reflection about the future

Three Paths Forward

In discernment counseling, there are three potential paths available to a couple:

Path 1 is staying together as you have been, with no immediate changes. Almost no one wants this path, although if the other two paths aren’t to your liking, it’s important to be aware that you are, in essence, choosing Path 1 by default.

Path 2 is the separation or divorce path. This is done to prevent added damage to the family and/or relationship.

Path 3 is the reconciliation path with a commitment to couples therapy with divorce being taken off the table during this time. This gives you both time to see whether you can put your relationship into a healthier place. It is not the path of staying married or avoiding divorce forever. It involves taking divorce off the table for six months, during which time you both commit to working on yourselves and the relationship. At the end of this process, you can evaluate any progress you’ve made and make a determination whether your overall relationship health is on a positive trajectory. At that point, you may have a better sense as to whether you want to pursue divorce or continue in your marriage.

Research and Effectiveness

Studies examining discernment counseling outcomes show promising results. An analysis of 100 consecutive cases found that about half chose to start couples therapy to reconcile, with most others choosing divorce.

For those who proceed to divorce after discernment counseling, research reveals unexpected benefits. Respondents described their experience as helpful for achieving clarity and honesty in the divorce decision-making process. Additionally, these individuals reported improved post-divorce coparenting relationships and cooperation during the divorce process.

The Importance of Clarity in Decision-Making

As much as 80% of divorced people regret their decision. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t get divorced from a bad situation; instead, this regret often stems from not fully understanding the underlying problems before making such a significant life choice.

Dr. Julie Gottman’s example from her book, Fight Right, illustrates this concept brilliantly. She tells the story of a young couple, both successful lawyers, whose marriage ultimately ended in divorce; not over a puppy, but over what the puppy represented. One partner brought home a dog hoping to create more warmth and connection in their home. The other saw it as an uninvited disruption, a symbol of unmet agreements and incompatible values. Their arguments escalated, but the dog was never really the issue. In the end, they divorced. Only later did it become clear that they hadn’t truly fought about the dog; they had been fighting about safety, trust, and how they imagined their future.

Discernment counseling addresses this by helping couples:

Gain deeper insight into underlying relationship patterns
Understand each partner’s role in current problems
Make decisions from wisdom rather than reactive emotions
Approach next steps with confidence and clarity

When Discernment Counseling Leads to Divorce

Success in discernment counseling doesn’t always mean saving the marriage. Those who divorced after discernment counseling often express appreciation for the sessions, reporting that it enabled cooperation during and after divorce.

This process can be particularly valuable for couples with children. Research suggests at least one million children are affected by divorce yearly in the United States. When parents gain clarity through discernment counseling, they’re better equipped to create cooperative coparenting relationships that benefit their children.

Comparing Discernment Counseling to Traditional Therapy

While Emotionally Focused Therapy has a 70-73% success rate for couples committed to therapy, these statistics assume both partners want to save the relationship. Discernment counseling fills a crucial gap for couples who aren’t ready for that commitment. Key differences include:

Duration: 1-5 sessions versus months or years of traditional therapy
Goal: Clarity about direction rather than relationship improvement
Format: Individual perspectives within couple sessions
Outcome: Decision-making rather than problem-solving

Finding the Right Time

Discernment counseling is most beneficial when:

Traditional therapy feels like going through the motions
One partner has “checked out” emotionally
There’s pressure from one side to “just try therapy”
Ambivalence prevents productive work on the relationship
Past therapy attempts failed due to mixed commitment

Moving Forward with Confidence

Whether couples ultimately choose reconciliation or separation, discernment counseling provides a structured process for making one of life’s most difficult decisions. By creating space for honest exploration without pressure to save or end the marriage, this approach helps couples move forward with greater clarity and less regret.

The process recognizes that not all marriages can or should be saved, but all couples deserve the opportunity to make thoughtful decisions about their future. Through careful exploration of what brought them to this point and what each partner truly wants, couples can choose their path with confidence rather than confusion.

Professional Support Makes a Difference

Working with a trained discernment counselor ensures that both partners feel heard and supported, regardless of their stance on the relationship. The neutral, structured approach helps couples avoid the common pitfall of entering half-hearted therapy that often leads to frustration and failure.

For couples standing at the crossroads between marriage and divorce, discernment counseling offers a valuable alternative to premature decisions or ineffective therapy. By providing clarity and confidence about next steps, this specialized approach helps couples navigate one of life’s most challenging transitions with wisdom and intention.

Discernment Qualification Criteria

Discernment counseling is optimal for:

Couples seeking clarity rather than traditional therapy
Relationships where one partner is uncertain about continuing
Situations requiring structured decision-making
Couples with children considering their family’s future
High-achieving professionals seeking an evidence-based approach

Discernment counseling is not appropriate for situations involving:

Active substance abuse requiring primary treatment
Domestic violence or coercive control
Couples seeking traditional open-ended therapy

How to Talk to Your Resistant Partner

If your partner believes “nothing will help” (disengaged, checked out, or hopeless)

Approach the conversation with empathy and acknowledge their hopelessness without trying to talk them out of it. Emphasize that you’re not asking them to commit to fixing the relationship, but simply to get clarity about where things stand. Focus on:

Validating that they may feel done or exhausted.
Describing discernment counseling as a short-term, decision-focused process, not open-ended therapy.
Framing it as a structured way to explore whether change is possible, not a promise to change or reconcile.

Let them know you’ve found a professional who works specifically with couples in situations where one person feels unsure or doubtful. Emphasize that this isn’t about pushing to stay together, but about gaining clarity. Ask if they’d be open to one session, with the understanding that if they don’t feel it’s helpful or fair, you won’t continue.

If your partner believes “we can fix this ourselves” (private, self-reliant, avoids outsiders)

Show that you respect their desire to handle things privately, and that you’re not trying to outsource your relationship. Instead, frame discernment counseling as a tool to help both of you think more clearly about how things are going. Focus on:

Acknowledging the effort you’ve both made.
Describing discernment counseling as a time-limited process that helps couples decide on a direction, not a long-term fix.
Positioning it as a way to pause and assess, not surrender control to a therapist.

Emphasize that you’ve both already been working hard on your own, but you want to take a structured, guided look at where things stand. Highlight that it’s brief, no more than five sessions, and that it’s designed for couples who are unsure about their next steps, not those looking to talk things to death.

If your partner thinks “therapy is stupid” (cynical, resistant, anti-therapy)

Avoid using the word therapy if it’s a trigger. Instead, talk about it as consulting with someone who helps couples make sense of difficult decisions. Be matter-of-fact, not persuasive. Focus on:

Naming their skepticism without judgment.
Framing discernment counseling as something designed for people who are skeptical, not those already bought in.
Positioning it as an experiment or challenge: one session, not a commitment.

Acknowledge that traditional therapy might feel like a waste of time to them. Then explain that this is different. It’s more structured, without any pressure to change, and often used by people who are actually “leaning out” of the relationship. Invite them to try just one session with you and see if it’s as useless as they think.