In a nutshell, I help couples stay connected.
Many of my couples say they want to learn better communication tools. Often, this is just a reflection of decay in the relationship. Learning how to communicate better won’t help you as much as learning how to relate to each other.
Now, not all unhealthy relationships are toxic. Yet lots of couples begin therapy with both people believing that their problems are caused in large part by their partners. Each person sees himself or herself as the innocent victim of the other person’s bad behavior, and each person hopes that therapy will finally get their parter to change – to listen, to express feelings or to stop nagging and criticizing.
The truth is that a therapist can teach both of you how to communicate and manage conflict. But a therapist cannot make the two of you become friends. That’s why going into therapy to “change” your partner rarely works. You have to assume 100% of the responsibility for the problem – at least for now – in order to benefit the most from therapy.
For couples work, I use Gottman Method Couples Therapy. I have both participated in Certification Consultation Training and completed the Level 3 Practicum Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
The type of work I provide is not appropriate for all couples. This includes couples with severe relationship distress, significant emotional or physical abuse, serious emotional or mental health problems, relationships where one or both partners are actively addicted to drugs or alcohol, and relationships with serious compulsive behavior with gambling, sexual acting out, and other disruptive behaviors.
Articles & Resources
for Couples
Difficult Relationships
It can be overwhelming, exhausting and disheartening to see the one you love keep your relationship at arms’ length through their words and actions, time and time again. While they agree that there’s a problem, their insight never seems to last. No matter how much you attempt to persuade, help out, adjust or accept, you…
Without Trust, Your Relationship Will Not Survive
Couples many times ask why they are having problems in relating to each other. Psychologists know that the real problem are many time more complex than just one issue. However, the issue of trust is central to any relationship. Understanding a couple of issues can be of help. (more…)
Continue Reading Without Trust, Your Relationship Will Not Survive
Fantasy Affairs of the Mind
Relationships are difficult to manage for many reasons. So it is not unusual that people want to run away from life through “Fantasy Games.” At times, relationships can be threatened by how we relate to each other, other people, the fantasies of our minds, and our actions. When one person in the relationship is concerned…
How to Turn Towards a Partner’s Bids for Emotional Connection
It’s important to feel that our partner notices or responds to our needs. This is referred to as “Turning Towards” ones’ “Bids for Connection” in the Gottman literature. Bids for connection include attempts to get our partner’s attention, interest, or support. (more…)
Continue Reading How to Turn Towards a Partner’s Bids for Emotional Connection
Angry Spouses can be Hazardous to Your Health
Therapists know that living with someone who has an anger control problem is both dangerous to your relationship, personal development, and family, but it also has a direct effect on both your emotional and physical health! If you find yourself in a relationship with an openly angry, or passive-aggressive, mate it is important to understand…
Continue Reading Angry Spouses can be Hazardous to Your Health
The Marital Partner that Everybody Likes but Drives You Nuts
Relationships are important to our lives and health. However, some relationships present hazards to our sanity and health in ways that are rarely talked about. In fact, it is hard to believe that the way we relate to each other in a relationship can “induce” rage, anger and reactions in the spouse to the point…
Continue Reading The Marital Partner that Everybody Likes but Drives You Nuts
How Can I Trust After an Affair?
Affairs happen for many reasons The main wound is that trust and comfort in the security of the relationship has been shattered. The fact that we all search for security makes any violation of the relationship, either mental, spiritual, or sexual, much more upsetting. Because we are not expecting it, or that it was not…
How Sex and Affairs Act Like an Antidepressant
What is it that causes people to become involved in extra-marital affairs? There are multiple reasons that affairs happen. What has rarely been explored is how depression is a strong motivating factor in the initiation and continuing nature of affairs. Understanding a number of factors might be of some help in thinking as one finds…
Continue Reading How Sex and Affairs Act Like an Antidepressant
The Six Weakest Moments for Affairs
Affairs are difficult for most people to understand. Knowing the vulnerable periods can help in preventing and dealing with them for men and women alike. (more…)
Solutions to Marital Affairs
Affairs are complicated endeavors. Legal proceedings don’t resolve the emotional issues. It is more important to focus on your pain and anger rather than on attacking your spouse as you decide what path you wish to take. (more…)
The Anatomy of Infidelity and Affairs
We tend to think that infidelity and affairs are all about sex. In reality, affairs are symptoms that sends a message about problems in the relationship. The betrayal of trust from one’s spouse or partner can be one of the most damaging issues to any relationship. Perhaps you suspect your partner of having an affair.…
How to Say What We Need From our Partner
When we are upset over something with our partner, we tend to know very clearly what we don’t want. Understanding what we really desire without describing what we dislike can propel communication between partners in a more positive, mutual satisfying direction. (more…)
Crisis Points of Relationships and Marriage
Marriage is most open to crisis when it is rigid and inflexible. Whatever won’t bend will break, or push others away. Rigid people, who expect specific roles in relationships only create more crises at different relationship developmental points. (more…)
Continue Reading Crisis Points of Relationships and Marriage
How Do I Improve Our Communication Skills?
Learning to communicate together takes practice and time. You have to agree to work on it together and use several important steps. Understanding these important steps will help improve communication between you and your partner. (more…)
How Will I Know When I am Ready to Date Again?
After a painful divorce or if a relationship falls apart, it is important that we take a honest look and understand why the relationship fell apart to ensure that we are whole and ready before we can be a good partner to someone else. (more…)
Continue Reading How Will I Know When I am Ready to Date Again?
Is My Past Trauma Causing Issues in My Marriage?
We have a tendency to believe that our marriage will “always be there” and never be in crisis. We also realize that all relationships have their ups and downs, and this helps prepare us for difficulties down the road. However, when a significant crisis or traumatic event happens, the stability of any relationship can be…
Continue Reading Is My Past Trauma Causing Issues in My Marriage?
Why Does it Hurt So Much When We Fight?
The process of “becoming a couple” is filled with many emotions, feelings, attitudes, risking and identification with another person. Relationship problems happen when these same emotions are injured in any way. When one “sees and hears” much blaming and emotions between a couple, it is clear that there has been an “attachment bond injury” that…
Why Do I Keep Choosing the Wrong Person?
We sometimes wonder why we get ourselves into difficult relationships that “turn out bad” when they seemed so “promising” at the beginning. Sometimes we notice ourselves continuing to “pick the wrong ones” over and over again and cannot figure out what is happening. Many times we attribute it to the other person and think that…
How Do I Get My Spouse to Change?
The other day, I had to fix a broken light switch. Yep, I didn’t know those could stop working either. Fortunately, I remembered enough about electrical wiring that it was a simple task: Trip to the hardware store, turn off the electricity and swap out the faulty switch.Unfortunately, fixing our spouse or partner isn’t as…
Why Does My Marriage Feel Like a Trap?
The Freedom of Choice is the most valued factor in our lives. Human beings will do most anything to insure that they can have choice in all of their decisions. Much of what counselors, therapists and psychologists hear in therapy is related to a sense that the individual does not have a sense of choice…
Clues to Marital Affairs
Relationships go through many stages, ups and downs, good times and bad. Most of the time we get through these difficult periods. At times, our intuition tells us that the relationship is in the midst of a crisis. Affairs can threaten your trust in the relationship. (more…)
Why Gottman Method Couples Therapy Really Works
There are too many myths about what makes a relationship work. Drs. John & Judy Gottman researched this for over 15 years and found the actual, practical relationship issues that actually make a difference. Understanding these essential communication skills and concepts can make the difference between relationship failure or success. (more…)
Continue Reading Why Gottman Method Couples Therapy Really Works
Warning Signs of Violent Acts
There are ways of evaluating the potential of future violent acts by those people we associate with in our daily lives. Part of the problem is that we “choose to ignore” the signs and symptoms that suggest future problems in our relationships out of our “hopes, needs and desires.” (more…)
What Makes a Relationship Last?
Psychologists have studied couples for years in order to find out what makes for a lasting relationship. However, predicting what is going to work “before” the marriage is more difficult. Ted Huston, Ph.D. found that marriages fall into four distinct groups: Married and happy; married and unhappy; divorced early, within seven years, or divorced later,…
How Do I Come to Terms with my Divorce?
If you do end up getting divorced, the loss of this relationship will be a very difficult time for all concerned. It brings out many emotions, causes much confusion, and affects children, adults, parents, and the community. Relationships are important to our lives and it is difficult for us to experience the loss of them.…
Am I in a Verbally Abusive Relationship?
It is incredibly painful and heartbreaking when you realize that the person you love is hostile towards you. Especially when we know that we deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. You want to help your partner understand that there is a better way to talk with you, but instead they insist on controlling…
It’s Easier to Stay Married than to Get Married Again
All marriages have difficult times that at times can seem overwhelming and confusing. We all ask the question about whether or not it is worth the efforts to stay married. The question of, “Should I stay or should I go” weighs heavily on us. Sometimes, we end up stuck with the conflicting thought that our…
Continue Reading It’s Easier to Stay Married than to Get Married Again