IFS: How Talking to Your “Parts” Can Change Your Life

Have you ever noticed how one part of you reacts, while another feels, and a third part is deeply concerned about what’s going on? This is the essential approach of Internal Family Systems (IFS), a groundbreaking therapy that’s transforming how we understand and heal ourselves.

We all have these internal conversations – these different “parts” of ourselves that seem to want different things. For years, therapy approaches treated these conflicting voices as problems to be solved or symptoms to be managed. But there’s a revolutionary approach that’s changing how we think about these inner experiences.

IFS has nothing to do with family therapy, even though the name can be misleading. It assumes that each of us is made up of different, conflicting “parts” which work together as a – often dysfunctional – family (no surprise, the IFS folks are better at therapy than they are at marketing).

The power of IFS lies in a simple but profound shift: instead of trying to silence those inner voices, we learn to listen to them with curiosity and compassion. Think about it – if those parts of you that seem problematic – the worrier, the critic, the one that shuts down – were actually trying to help you all along, wouldn’t that change how you relate to them? This compassionate approach to our inner world is why IFS has been quietly revolutionizing the therapy field, offering new hope and healing to people who thought they’d tried everything.

Why Therapists are Excited About IFS

What makes IFS such a game-changer? As a therapist, what excites me most about IFS is watching how it unlocks new possibilities for healing. Where traditional approaches might see anxiety as something to manage or depression as something to fight, IFS offers a different path. It helps us understand that even our most challenging feelings carry wisdom. Clients who’ve spent years trying to silence their inner critic discover it was actually trying to protect them. People struggling with anxiety find that their worried parts can relax once they feel truly heard. This isn’t just theory – it’s transformation I witness in my office every day, as people develop new relationships not just with others, but with themselves. And that’s why this approach has been quietly revolutionizing the therapy world.

IFS in Action: “My Anxiety Felt Unbeatable”

Sarah had spent countless years working with therapists, but her anxiety still ambushed her on a daily basis. During work meetings, her heart would race and her mind would spin with worst-case scenarios. At night, panic attacks would jolt her awake, leaving her exhausted and demoralized. “I was doing everything ‘right’ but nothing was really changing,” she remembers.

When I began working with Sarah using IFS, it wasn’t an instant fix. The first few sessions were hard – just turning toward her anxiety triggered more anxiety. But slowly, session by session, something began to shift. Sarah discovered that her anxiety wasn’t just random panic; it was an exhausted part of her working overtime to prevent the shame and criticism she’d experienced in childhood.

Some days were still hard, and the anxiety didn’t disappear, but Sarah learned to respond differently. “Now when I feel that familiar tightness in my chest, I don’t immediately spiral. I can acknowledge the part that’s trying to protect me, and sometimes that small shift helps the panic loosen its grip.”

IFS in Action: “Depression Became My Normal”

Michael hadn’t realized how bad his depression had become, starting his first session with the comment, “I’d been numb for so long, I thought this was just who I was.” He could barely handle basic daily tasks, let alone maintain relationships. Even with antidepressants, something was still missing.

In IFS therapy, progress wasn’t linear – some sessions felt hopeless, and there were weeks when getting to therapy felt almost impossible. But as we worked together, Michael began to understand his depression differently. That constant self-criticism and exhaustion? Parts of him trying to keep him safe in the only ways they knew how.

“It sounds strange,” he said as he reflected back on our work together, “but when I stopped fighting the depression so hard and started listening to these parts, things began to shift. I still have dark days, but I’m not drowning in them anymore. I’m learning how to be on my own side.”

IFS in Action: “We Were Ready to Give Up”

Lisa and James came to therapy as a last resort. Their relationship was crumbling after years of built-up resentment. Every conversation they had felt like walking through a minefield. Simply getting them both into the same room without an argument was a challenge.

Through IFS work, they began to see their conflicts differently – though this understanding didn’t come easily or quickly. “At first, I thought James was just being difficult,” Lisa admitted. “Learning to see his shutdown as a protective response was hard, especially when I was feeling hurt and angry.”

While they had setbacks and difficult sessions, both gradually learned to recognize their triggered parts. “We still struggle sometimes,” James said after following up with him. “But now we have a way to talk about what’s happening inside each of us without making it worse. When I feel myself shutting down, I can sometimes name it. And Lisa is learning to give my parts space when they need it.”

What is the success rate of IFS therapy?

While IFS is still gathering research data compared to longer-established therapies, studies show encouraging results for many people. The most robust research has focused on depression, anxiety, and trauma, where IFS has demonstrated significant effectiveness in reducing symptoms and improving well-being.

What makes IFS particularly notable is that clients often report maintaining their improvements over time, as they learn to work with their parts rather than just managing symptoms. In my practice, I’ve seen clients make meaningful progress especially when they feel stuck after trying other approaches.

Wait – are these ‘parts’ real, or are we just making this up?

A client once expressed her concern over exploring her various “parts”. She didn’t want to buy in to this “touchy feely nonsense” without some understanding of how it works. Which is perfect, as I love it when clients want to understand how to use these tools better.

I suggested that she look at it like one of the examples from the book, Clan of the Cave Bear (pre-historical fiction). The main character, Ayla, was learning the essentials of mathematics For her, learning to count was simple; in fact, she could count past ten even though she only had ten fingers. Her cave-dwelling peers were dumbfounded; they were still stuck on the literal concept of not comprehending what fingers had to do with numbers. However, Ayla knew that her fingers were representative of a concept, specifically how many stones she was counting.

The truth is that it doesn’t really matter whether or not we actually have different “parts” of ourselves or if we’re just using this as a way to represent our conflicting feelings and thoughts. In the end, it’s an effective and incredibly illuminating way to understand ourselves in this new light of IFS.

What’s an example of how IFS works?

First, imagine a wildlife observer. A really good one. Who has also read Clan of the Cave Bear. Sitting down in a field, taking notes in a journal. He’s intent on learning more about the animal kingdom. After sitting still for a few hours, he notices a small squirrel innocently wandering around, foraging for nuts. Without warning, a lion suddenly pounces out of the bushes in an attempt to eat the squirrel.

With a rush of adrenaline, The Poor Wildlife Observer immediately reacts. In a flash, he jumps up and tosses his clipboard and papers in the air as he rushes towards the lion in a panic. He waves frantically and yells at the top of his voice, “Bad lion! Shoo! Shoo! Go away!” He’s desperately trying to protect the poor innocent squirrel. Startled by all of the commotion, the lion hesitates, and reluctantly backs off. The Poor Wildlife Observer picks up the little squirrel, cradles it in his arms and gives it a gentle caress as if to say that everything is going to be all right.

With IFS, this is not the right approach to self-awareness.

Compare this with the behavior of The Good Wildlife Observer: He notices the squirrel and sees the lion pounce. However with this encounter, he does not react to what he sees. Instead, he allows the entire incident to take place. Undeterred by the protests of the innocent little squirrel, the lion proceeds with his midday snack. The Good Wildlife Observer simply nods, picks up his clipboard, and with slow, deliberate action begins to write: “Lion exhibits squirrel-eating behavior. Interesting,” and shrugs.

The difference between the two wildlife observers is that one reacts, while the other one reflects. When we urgently react to our thoughts and emotions, we don’t really notice what’s truly going on deep inside of ourselves. Reflection allows us to notice, observe and accept what is. You can’t change what you don’t notice, and over time, you’ll be able to choose to act rather than react. Acceptance and curiosity allows us to access a deeper, more complete picture of our emotional landscape.

This is just one of the essential, and foundational, steps with IFS. There are others that come after this. The goal is to bring our parts into harmony so that we have more control, more insight, and the ability to work with our parts, rather than against them.

That’s interesting, but what if my “Parts” really hate each other?

Here’s an over-simpilfied example of how to respond to a critical part inside of yourself, as if it were another person.

First, call it out. When you notice your inner critic speaking, call it out using “words of intent.” This helps you recognize what’s happening and creates a bit of distance:

• “I notice you’re trying to be helpful, but that came across as harsh.”
• “Was that meant to be motivating? Because it feels discouraging.”

For example, if your inner voice says, “You’ll never succeed at this,” you might respond with, “I know you’re trying to protect me, but that sounds really discouraging.”

Then, set a boundary. Ideally we’d make peace with this part using IFS, but for this simple example we’re just going to focus on getting you some immediate relief. So, just as you would with an external critic, set clear boundaries with your inner critic. Let it know that its current approach isn’t helpful:

• “I’m not going to engage with that kind of self-talk.”
• “If you want to help, you’ll need to find a more supportive way to do it.”

For instance, if your inner critic says, “You always mess things up,” you can respond with, “I’m not going to accept that kind of blanket statement about myself. If you have a specific concern, express it constructively.”

Now comes a critical piece: Identify the feelings behind the words. Take a moment to recognize and acknowledge the emotions behind your inner critic’s thoughts. Respond with support and empathy to address the underlying feelings:

• “It sounds like you’re feeling anxious. That’s understandable, and it’s okay to feel that way.”
• “I can sense there’s fear behind that thought. Let’s explore what’s worrying you.”

For instance, if your inner critic says, “Nobody likes you,” you might respond, “I hear that you’re feeling lonely and insecure. Those are difficult feelings, and it’s natural to have them sometimes. Let’s think about the connections we do have and how we can nurture them.”

Finally, offer a different perspective. Challenge your inner critic by offering a different way of seeing the situation. This can help shift your thinking to a more balanced or compassionate view:

• “I see this differently. Here’s another way to look at it…”
• “Let’s consider the evidence for and against that thought.”

For example, if your inner critic says, “You’re not prepared for this presentation,” you might respond, “Actually, I’ve done a lot of preparation. Let’s focus on what I’m ready for rather than what-ifs.”

Remember, changing how you interact with your inner parts takes practice, and this example is far from comprehensive. Be patient with yourself as you learn these new skills, and if you struggle, IFS can help you move beyond the basics. Either way, with time you’ll be able to develop a more compassionate and constructive relationship with your inner voice (“part”).

Getting Started with IFS Treatment

Starting therapy is a significant step, and it’s normal to have questions or concerns. Whether you’re new to therapy or have worked with other approaches before, I’m happy to discuss how IFS might help and explore whether this approach feels right for you.

Remember, seeking support isn’t a sign of weakness – it’s a courageous step toward healing and growth. The parts of you that are struggling don’t need to face this alone. Together, we can help you find a path toward greater peace, understanding, and connection.

* Names and details have been changed for client confidentiality