The Psychology of Affairs: Understanding Emotional Infidelity and Fantasy Relationships

We tend to think that infidelity and affairs are all about sex.  In reality, affairs are symptoms that sends a message about problems in the relationship. The betrayal of trust from one’s spouse or partner can be one of the most damaging issues to any relationship. Perhaps you suspect your partner of having an affair. Understanding this simple issue will allow you to work on the complex problems of finding solutions.

Once an affair happens, the relationship becomes unbalanced. You feel violated and are uncertain whether or not you can ever trust in the relationship again. The person having the affair is also stuck. What may have started out with misguided dreams and intentions has now created a situation where they are responsible for their actions yet also stuck in the doghouse without any clear way out.

This drastically complicates recovery and requires changes on the sides of both partners in terms of communication and being aware of why the affair happened in order to prevent an affair from ever happening again.

Relationships that are at Risk of Infidelity and Affairs

Nice, Non-Fighting, Couples

These are the people who fear conflicts and never resolve any of their differences until the marriage fades away.

Couples Frightened of Intimacy

There is a fear of being emotionally vulnerable, so barriers are kept high by fighting, slamming doors, dramatic actions, and physical violence.  There is a fear of letting one’s guard down which means to them that they would be hurt, abandoned, or feel trapped.

Affairs Used to Fill Internal Emptiness

Like the alcoholic, some people, use sexual addiction to avoid life, to search for the magical all-loving parent, and as an excuse to be promiscuous.  It is not about sex or romantic love.  It about avoidance and the need to fill some type of emptiness from childhood abandonment feelings of some type.

Codependent Affairs

Codependent spouses are the ones who do everything for their partner and sacrifice their own feelings and needs. Affairs for these spouses happen when one notices that someone appreciates his/her needs that were not being met in the marriage. The affair can be seen as a Mid-life crisis (ages 34-65), but they are much more.  They are about the years of not attending to one’s own feelings.  One does not necessarily want to end the marriage.  However, unless the marriage changes, it will become impossible to end the affair.

Exit Affairs

These types of affairs happen as a way of ending the marriage, not the reason for the marriage ending.  The affair becomes a way of sliding out the door.  Each person needs to understand what they have done that has contributed to the end of the relationship.  These are difficult relationships to put back together because decisions have already been made.  It is easier for the person to act it out in a way that makes them feel secure and safe rather than having to face the pain of talking and resolving things out.

Non-Sexual Affairs

Affairs happen when they consume time and energy that would normally be going into the marriage.  There is always a sexual current in these affairs even though nothing results in a sexual activity.

What Constitutes an Affair?

Dr. John Gottman, renowned relationship expert and co-founder of The Gottman Institute, defines affairs broadly as any activity that takes significant emotional or physical energy away from the primary relationship. This includes:

1. Traditional physical affairs
2. Emotional affairs
3. Fantasy relationships
4. Excessive devotion to activities outside the relationship (e.g., work, hobbies)

Key elements that often characterize affairs include:

• Intimacy (often higher than with the primary partner)
• Secrecy from the primary partner
• Sexual or emotional chemistry, even if non-physical

The Psychology Behind Affairs

Understanding the underlying factors that contribute to affairs is essential for prevention and healing. Common motivators include:

1. Mid-life crises and existential questions
2. Depression and seeking emotional relief
3. Feeling trapped or unfulfilled in the current relationship
4. Seeking validation or excitement outside the marriage

Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, explains that affairs are often less about sex and more about seeking emotional connection, validation, and reassurance.

Fantasy Affairs: The Allure of the Mind

Fantasy affairs, including those involving pornography, online chat rooms, or imaginary scenarios, present unique challenges:

1. They’re based on idealized situations, free from real-life complications
2. They provide immediate gratification and excitement
3. They can be highly addictive due to their accessibility and privacy
4. They often serve as an escape from addressing real relationship issues

Dr. Gottman warns that while fantasy may seem harmless, it can significantly detract from emotional investment in the primary relationship.

Vulnerable Periods for Infidelity

Certain life stages and situations may increase vulnerability to affairs:

1. The New Baby/Kids Syndrome: Partners may feel neglected amid new responsibilities
2. Career Changes: Job advancements or setbacks can create relationship imbalances
3. Midlife Crisis: Confronting mortality and reassessing life choices
4. Success or Failure Syndromes: Achievements or setbacks may trigger insecurities
5. Monotony in Daily Life: Lack of excitement can increase vulnerability

The Role of Depression in Affairs

Depression can play a significant role in the initiation and continuation of affairs:

1. Affairs may temporarily act as emotional antidepressants
2. The action-oriented nature of affairs can appeal to those seeking quick solutions
3. Engaging in forbidden activities can create an addictive cycle

However, it’s crucial to recognize that affairs ultimately postpone the resolution of deeper emotional problems.

Warning Signs of Emotional or Fantasy Affairs

1. Sudden, increased interest in physical appearance or online privacy
2. Development of new friendships or online relationships that become a primary focus
3. Emotional withdrawal and lack of sharing with the primary partner
4. Increased irritability or defensiveness when questioned about activities
5. Spending excessive time on devices or in private online activities
6. Decreased interest in physical or emotional intimacy with the primary partner

Preventing Affairs: Evidence-Based Strategies

To reduce the risk of affairs and strengthen relationships, consider these approaches:

1. Open Communication: Regularly discuss feelings, fears, and desires with your partner
2. Prioritize the Relationship: Make time for romance and connection, especially during major life transitions
3. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish agreements about appropriate interactions with others, including online
4. Seek Professional Help: Couples therapy can provide tools for addressing underlying issues
5. Practice Self-Care: Maintain individual identities and pursue personal growth within the relationship
6. Address Mental Health: Treat depression or other mental health issues that may contribute to seeking external validation

Reframing Challenges as Opportunities for Growth

Dr. Gottman suggests that emotional pain, when approached with curiosity and compassion, can lead to greater self-awareness and stronger relationships.

Consider viewing relationship challenges as:

• Signals for needed life changes
• Opportunities for self-examination and reinvention
• Chances to develop deeper emotional intelligence and relationship skills

Conclusion: Navigating Relationship Challenges with Compassion and Expertise

Understanding the complex psychology behind affairs, including emotional and fantasy infidelity, can help individuals and couples navigate difficult periods with greater empathy and resilience. By recognizing vulnerable moments, prioritizing open communication, and viewing challenges as opportunities for growth, partners can work towards rebuilding trust and strengthening their bonds.

Remember, seeking professional help from a qualified therapist or counselor is always a viable and recommended option when facing relationship difficulties or struggling with fantasy affairs. With the right support and evidence-based tools, couples can overcome challenges and potentially emerge stronger together.

For those facing the pain of infidelity or struggling with relationship issues, know that help is available. Reach out to a licensed therapist specializing in couples counseling or consult reputable resources like The Gottman Institute for guidance on rebuilding trust and fostering healthier relationships.