When you’re expecting a baby, it’s a beautiful time, but it can also be a real strain on your relationship if you’re not prepared. The Gottmans have laid out several critical concepts in their book “And Baby Makes Three” that can help keep your relationship strong during this transition.
Quick Summary
1. Strengthening the Couple’s Friendship and Maintaining Intimacy
When a baby comes into the picture, it can put some serious strain on your relationship. The Gottmans emphasize that if you want to get through this without drifting apart, you’ve got to maintain a strong friendship and keep that intimacy alive. If you don’t make a conscious effort to nurture your bond, the stress of a new baby can push you apart. So, staying connected is absolutely crucial.
Actionable Solutions:
- Daily Check-ins: Spend at least 10-15 minutes each day to talk about non-baby-related topics. This helps maintain your emotional connection and ensures that you remain attuned to each other’s lives and feelings.
- Date Nights: Schedule regular date nights, even if they are at home, to focus on each other as a couple. This could be as simple as watching a movie together after the baby is asleep or cooking a special dinner together.
- Express Appreciation: Make it a habit to express gratitude and appreciation for each other daily. Recognizing and verbalizing what you value about your partner can help reinforce positive feelings and maintain a loving atmosphere.
2. Managing Conflict Effectively
Conflict is going to happen, especially when you’re dealing with the stress of caring for a newborn. That’s just a fact of life. But what the Gottmans make clear is that how you manage that conflict is what really matters. If you handle it constructively, you can keep your relationship strong instead of letting it tear you apart. It’s not about avoiding conflict; it’s about dealing with it in a way that doesn’t do damage.
Actionable Solutions:
- Soft Start-Up: Begin difficult conversations gently and without blame. For example, instead of saying, “You never help with the baby,” say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and could really use some help with the baby.”
- Repair Attempts: Recognize and accept repair attempts during conflicts. These are efforts made by one partner to de-escalate the situation, such as making a joke, offering a solution, or expressing affection.
- Soothing Techniques: Practice self-soothing techniques to stay calm during conflicts. Taking a break when emotions run high, practicing deep breathing, or using mindfulness techniques can help prevent escalation.
3. Creating a Shared Meaning System
One of the most important things the Gottmans emphasize is the need to create a shared sense of purpose and meaning in your relationship and family life. This isn’t just a nice idea; it’s crucial. You’ve got to get on the same page when it comes to your values, your goals, and the rituals that make your family feel like a unified team. When you do that, your family unit becomes stronger, and you create a foundation that holds everything together.
Actionable Solutions:
- Family Rituals: Develop family rituals that are meaningful to both of you, such as a bedtime routine, weekend activities, or holiday traditions. These rituals help reinforce the bond between partners and create a sense of stability for the child.
- Value Discussions: Have regular discussions about your values and how you want to raise your child. This could include topics like education, discipline, religious beliefs, and work-life balance. Being on the same page can reduce conflicts and create a more unified parenting approach.
- Long-Term Planning: Discuss your long-term goals as a family and as a couple. Where do you see your family in five or ten years? What are your dreams for your child? This helps in creating a shared vision for the future and strengthens your partnership.
There’s a lot more in the Gottmans’ book than just these three points. In fact, the Gottmans offer a whole toolkit of concepts and actionable strategies. The goal here is to give you a solid foundation so you can handle the stress of parenthood without letting it tear your relationship apart.
If you stick to these guidelines, you’re going to be in a much better position to navigate the ups and downs of parenting while keeping your relationship healthy and supportive. Focus on these areas, and you’ll find it a whole lot easier to manage the challenges that come with raising a child and, more importantly, to keep that strong, loving connection with your partner intact.
