If you grew up in an unhealthy or dysfunctional family, it has drastically and permanently altered the course of your life. It is absolutely vital to understand how, specifically, this affects you so that you can stand a chance to change patterns of unhealthy choices and behaviors that plague you and your adult life. Left unchecked, these patterns can drastically sabotage everything you hold dear in this life.
The bottom line is that it’s important to realize that you are not crazy. Rather, you grew up in a crazy or “dysfunctional” family which caused you to develop essential yet unhealthy survival habits. You also learned how to live with “dysfunction as normal” and are not used to a life without chaos. To gain freedom from your past, you need to learn exactly how this has impacted you.
Was My Family Dysfunctional?
A family is dysfunctional or unhealthy when one or more of the adult caregivers struggled with addiction, compulsions, codependency or bad behavior. These “bad behaviors” and the reactions others had to them permanently altered the way in which the family operated. The influence of these negative patterns invaded all aspects of the family life.
As a child, your emotional needs were often ignored. You came up with ways to cope and survive. However, these “rules for living” are ultimately self-destructive because they are designed for living as a child in an unhealthy family and not as an adult in a normal life. The bottom line is that in some critical way, your emotional needs were not met as you grew up. It may have extended as far that you needed to take care of others in your life in order to make sure that you were taken care of.
How Dysfunctional Families Impact Us
People who grow up in a chaotic, unpredictable and unhealthy family tend to have extremely similar traits and unhealthy coping patterns. This is what sets Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (ACOD) apart from other people. ACODs are different from people who were raised in other types of families. They tend to view the world in a way that is unique.
These distinct roles often emerge to maintain the family’s dysfunctional patterns. These roles include the Mascot, who uses humor to diffuse tense situations; the Golden Child, who strives for perfection to gain acceptance and special treatment within the family; the Black Sheep, who is scapegoated and blamed, leading to feelings of exclusion and low self-esteem; and the Enabler, who supports and enables dysfunctional behaviors instead of addressing underlying problems. Each of these roles serves to perpetuate the dysfunction within the family unit, impacting the individuals involved both within and outside the home environment.
Rather than focus on roles, it’s often easier to look at habits and traits. See if you can recognize yourself in some of the traits that these roles embrace (not everyone will have all of them):
- They feel that they don’t know what “normal” is.
- They feel that everyone else has the “secret rules” for how to live as a hefalthy adult.
- They don’t know how to live without chaos and crisis, a lifestyle pattern which is difficult to break.
- They can have difficulty following through with and finishing tasks.
- They often have overly high standards for themselves and others, judging without mercy.
- They don’t know how to relax and just have fun.
- They may take themselves very seriously and be highly intense.
- They have difficulty being emotionally vulnerable and navigating intimate relationships.
- They over-react to changes over which they have no control.
- They constantly seek approval and affirmation from others, unintentionally giving away their power and control.
- They often struggle with adapting to change, stemming from a need for control developed in childhood
- They feel they are different and don’t quite “fit in” with others.
- They are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible.
- They are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence to the contrary.
- They maintain the lie that everything was ok in the family.
- They learned to cope with their dysfunctional family with lying and stretching the truth, affecting their future relationships and emotional well-being.
- They tend to be impulsive and jump into situations without thinking through things clearly.
- They have never grieved their lost childhood and struggle with underlying depression, anxiety or anger.
- They erroneously believe that, with a little more effort, they can get others to love them.
- They erroneously believe that, with a little more effort, they can get others to change.
Originally, the research on dysfunctional families was focused on alcohol. Over time, the term Adult Children of Alcoholics, or ACOA, became known. However, in recent years the understanding of dysfunction in the family has extended beyond alcohol. The new trend is to refer to those that grew up in such circumstances as Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. It doesn’t matter if the dysfunction in the family is major or minor; the impact is felt the same. Children end up developing traits that they will have to struggle with throughout their adult lives.
The bottom line is that it’s important to realize that you are not crazy. Rather, you grew up in a crazy or “dysfunctional” family which caused you to develop essential yet unhealthy survival habits.
Dysfunctional Family Patterns
It’s worth noting that dysfunctional families also have patterns of behavior, in addition to the traits listed above. Some common patterns in dysfunctional families include Triangulation, Gaslighting, and Stonewalling. Triangulation is a manipulative strategy where two family members unite against another individual within the family. Gaslighting is a psychological technique used by one family member to destabilize another person’s sense of reality or sanity through manipulation. Stonewalling is a defensive response where a family member who feels aggrieved refuses to interact with the offending individual until an apology is issued. These behaviors are frequently found in dysfunctional family dynamics and can have harmful impacts on the well-being of family members involved.
Why is it Important to Hold Oneself Accountable in Addressing Issues from a Dysfunctional Family?
It is crucial to hold oneself accountable when addressing issues from a dysfunctional family because taking responsibility for our actions and behaviors is the first step towards creating positive change. By holding ourselves accountable, we demonstrate a commitment to personal growth and development. Engaging in self-reflection and acknowledging the impact of our past experiences can empower us to break free from harmful patterns and establish healthier relationships.
Additionally, seeking support from trusted individuals who can hold us accountable in our journey towards healing can lead to transformative outcomes not only for ourselves but also for those within our familial circle. By being accountable, we pave the way for genuine progress and lasting improvements in our lives and the lives of those we care about.
Why is it Important to Identify Unhealthy Patterns from Our Family of Origin?
It is crucial to recognize unhealthy patterns that have originated from one’s family because doing so allows an individual to gain insight into how these patterns may be impacting their current life. By identifying these detrimental patterns, one can begin to address and work through the underlying issues that have been passed down through generations.
This self-awareness can lead to healing and personal growth, ultimately helping to break the cycle of unhealthy behaviors and relationships. Seeking support from a professional, such as through individual or family counseling, can further guide individuals in understanding and transforming these patterns to create healthier and more fulfilling lives.
What are Some Causes of a Dysfunctional Family?
A dysfunctional family can stem from multiple factors that disrupt healthy family dynamics. These causes may include a history of child abuse and neglect, with parents engaging in physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse. Issues may also arise from strict or controlling parenting styles that limit a child’s ability to make decisions independently. Equally important, families with permissive or overly soft parenting can struggle to establish clear boundaries and rules.
Parental inadequacy, whether through absence or neglect, can also contribute to dysfunction within a family. Substance abuse or addiction can lead to unpredictability, neglect, and emotional turmoil for children. Families facing the challenges of caring for a disabled or chronically ill child may experience disruptions in their dynamics and relationships. Worse, external factors such as infidelity, divorce, unemployment, or death can significantly impact family stability and functioning.
Often overlooked is the presence of undiagnosed or diagnosed personality traits (hint: Narcissistic or Borderline). Larger families may face difficulties in meeting each child’s individual needs, leading to strained relationships and a lack of attention. Differences in family values and even our own culture can also create tensions and conflicts within the family. Insecure family attachments can make things more chaotic, which affects the family’s emotional well-being.
This is all just a fancy way of saying that a combination of many factors (both internal and external) can contribute to the development of a dysfunctional family environment.
Navigating Normal
Adult Children struggle with navigating normal; they never feel they know what normal is. They think they know; in fact, they believe they know it better than anyone else, but they are never really sure. Such individuals are actually very practical people who have learned to survive in life on instinct. However, this leaves them feeling insecure about what is really the right way of doing things.
They simply have no experience with what is normal. Growing up, they never had the freedom to ask, so they never knew for sure. Their goal in life is to keep others from finding out that they don’t know. Instead, they have to guess all the time, which ends up being hard, lonely work. They missed out on the discussions with their parents about how to handle things. They have no frame of reference for what is ok to say and to feel.
In the absence of a clear understanding of social norms and expectations, adult children have learned to rely heavily on their instincts to navigate the complexities of life. This survival mechanism has served them well in many respects, enabling them to adapt to challenging circumstances and overcome obstacles. However, this reliance on instinct also comes at a cost, leaving them with a nagging feeling that they are merely guessing their way through life, never quite sure if they are doing things the “right” way.
For adult children, the fear of being exposed as not knowing what is normal can be overwhelming. They often go to great lengths to conceal their perceived inadequacies, believing that if others were to discover their lack of understanding, they would be judged harshly or rejected outright. This constant need to maintain a facade of normalcy can be exhausting, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness. Adult children may find themselves avoiding social situations or relationships altogether rather than risk being “found out.”
At the root of adult children’s struggles with navigating normal is often a profound sense of loss stemming from the absence of meaningful guidance and support from their parents. Growing up, they were denied the opportunity to engage in open, honest conversations about life’s challenges and how to handle them. They missed out on the invaluable lessons and insights that come from having a trusted adult to turn to for advice and reassurance. As a result, they find themselves lacking a clear frame of reference for what is acceptable or appropriate in various situations.
For adult children, the realm of navigating normal emotions can be particularly treacherous terrain. Having grown up in environments where their feelings were often invalidated or ignored, they may struggle to identify and express their emotions in healthy ways. They may feel that certain emotions are “wrong” or “bad,” leading them to suppress or deny their true feelings. This emotional disconnection can make it difficult for adult children to form deep, authentic connections with others and can contribute to a pervasive sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction.
Taking Ourselves Too Seriously
Adult Children take themselves very seriously, are impatient and have problems being flexible. The spontaneous child got squashed many years ago. They even disapprove of others acting silly. They have trouble separating themselves from work. They work hard at figuring out life and proving themselves.
For Adult Children, taking ourselves too seriously is a common struggle that stems from codependency. This mindset is characterized by an inability to be flexible, a lack of patience, and a disapproval of others engaging in lighthearted or silly behavior. The roots of this seriousness often lie in the suppression of the spontaneous child within, leading to a life that feels rigid and humorless.
When we take ourselves too seriously, it has far-reaching effects on our lives. Flexibility becomes a challenge as we struggle to adapt to changes or embrace new perspectives. Impatience creeps in, making it difficult to tolerate anything that deviates from our rigid expectations. We may find ourselves disapproving of others who exhibit playful or silly behavior, viewing it as immature or unproductive.
Taking ourselves too seriously often bleeds into our professional lives, making it challenging to separate ourselves from work. We become consumed by the need to prove ourselves, constantly striving to figure out life’s challenges and demonstrate our worth. This mindset can lead to burnout, as we neglect our personal needs and relationships in favor of an all-consuming focus on work.
To break free from the trap of taking ourselves too seriously, we must actively work to rediscover our inner child’s spontaneity and embrace flexibility and humor. This involves giving ourselves permission to let go of rigid expectations and embrace the unpredictable nature of life. It means learning to find joy in the present moment and allowing ourselves to engage in activities that bring laughter and lightness.
Difficulty Adapting to Change
Adult children of dysfunctional families often face a significant challenge when it comes to adapting to change. This difficulty stems from a deep-seated need for control, a coping mechanism developed in childhood to navigate the unpredictable and often chaotic environment of a dysfunctional household. Understanding the roots of this struggle and learning strategies to overcome it are crucial steps in the journey of personal growth and emotional healing.
In dysfunctional families, children often grow up feeling powerless and out of control. They may have experienced inconsistent parenting, broken promises, or even abuse, leading to a sense of instability and uncertainty. As a result, adult children of dysfunctional families may develop a strong need to control their environment and the people around them as a way to feel safe and secure.
This need for control can manifest in various ways, such as:
- Rigidity in schedules and routines
- Difficulty delegating tasks or trusting others
- Overreacting to minor changes or disruptions
- Micromanaging others’ behavior
- Struggling to adapt to new situations or environments
While these behaviors may have served as protective mechanisms in childhood, they can become maladaptive in adulthood, leading to stress, conflict, and relationship difficulty.
For adult children of dysfunctional families, change can be particularly threatening. Having grown up in an environment where change often meant instability or even danger, they may have learned to associate change with negative outcomes. This fear of change can lead to resistance, even when the change is positive or necessary. These emotional reactions can be intense and overwhelming, making it difficult for adult children of dysfunctional families to adapt to new situations or embrace change in their lives.
While the challenge of adapting to change can be significant for adult children of dysfunctional families, it is possible to learn new coping skills and develop greater flexibility. Some strategies that can help include:
- Acknowledging the struggle: Recognizing that difficulty adapting to change is a common challenge for adult children of dysfunctional families can be a validating and empowering first step.
- Challenging negative beliefs: Identifying and challenging negative beliefs about change, such as “change always leads to something bad,” can help create space for new, more adaptive perspectives.
- Practicing flexibility: Deliberately engaging in small, manageable changes can help build tolerance for change and develop greater flexibility over time.
- Seeking support: Talking to a therapist, joining a support group, or confiding in trusted friends can provide valuable support and guidance in navigating the challenges of change.
- Focusing on self-care: Engaging in regular self-care practices, such as exercise, mindfulness, or creative activities, can help manage stress and build emotional resilience.
This process may not always be easy, but with patience, self-compassion, and support, adult children of dysfunctional families can break free from the patterns of the past and create a more flexible, resilient, and fulfilling life. By learning to adapt to change, they can open themselves up to new experiences, relationships, and opportunities for personal and professional growth.
Inability to Have Fun: How Codependency Hinders Relaxation and Play
Adult Children have the inability to have fun and relax. It is difficult to sit still and relax. There is a need to do something and keep busy constantly. No one played with them or taught them how to play or even what the rules for playing are. They are afraid to take time off to play; they have to be always always pushing forward. They have to put all their efforts into keeping up and pushing ahead. Life is difficult and stressful because it is hard to just sit back and relax and say, “it’s O.K. to just be me.”
Many Adult Children never experienced the joys of play and relaxation during their formative years. Codependent family dynamics often leave little room for carefree fun. No one took the time to play with them, teach them how to engage in leisurely activities, or even explain the basic rules of play. As a result, the concept of having fun and relaxing is foreign and uncomfortable.
For those struggling with codependency, the inability to have fun is often tied to a deep-seated fear of taking time off. There is a constant pressure to be “on,” to keep pushing forward and to put all efforts into keeping up with the demands of life. The idea of slowing down and indulging in play feels like a luxury they cannot afford. This fear stems from a belief that their worth is tied to their productivity and that taking time for themselves is selfish or irresponsible.
The inability to have fun and relax leads to a life filled with stress and constant busyness. Without the respite of leisure activities, Adult Children find themselves caught in a cycle of never-ending tasks and responsibilities. They may feel like they are always running behind, struggling to keep up, and never quite measuring up. This perpetual state of stress takes a toll on their physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
Overcoming the inability to have fun requires a conscious effort to challenge codependent patterns and embrace the value of leisure time. This begins with giving oneself permission to relax and engage in activities simply for the sake of enjoyment. It involves redefining self-worth beyond productivity and recognizing that taking time for oneself is not selfish but rather an essential aspect of self-care.
Task Completion Challenges
Adult children have “Task Completion Challenges,” which means having difficulty following a project from beginning to end. They may have great beginnings but then have problems with full follow-through because they are doing several things at once and trying to do everything. They have problems pacing themselves and their activities, tending to become exhausted with all that they have to do.
For many adult children, the struggle to complete tasks can be traced back to their childhood experiences. Growing up in an environment where their efforts were not consistently acknowledged or praised, they may have developed a deep-seated belief that their endeavors are not worthy of completion. This lack of validation and support can lead to a fear of failure, causing them to abandon projects before they can be judged or criticized.
In an attempt to prove their worth and compensate for the lack of recognition they experienced in childhood, adult children often take on multiple projects simultaneously. They believe that by doing everything and pleasing everyone, they can finally earn the approval and validation they crave. However, this approach can quickly lead to burnout, stress, and a sense of being overwhelmed. Without the ability to prioritize and focus on one task at a time, adult children may find themselves drowning in a sea of unfinished projects and unfulfilled commitments.
One of the key challenges adult children face when it comes to task completion is the inability to pace themselves effectively. Having grown up in an environment where their needs were often neglected, they may struggle to prioritize self-care and set realistic expectations for themselves. As a result, they may push themselves to the point of exhaustion, further undermining their ability to see tasks through to completion.
To overcome these challenges, adult children must learn to practice self-compassion and set healthy boundaries. This may involve learning to say “no” to excessive commitments, taking regular breaks to recharge, and celebrating small victories along the way. By prioritizing their own well-being and learning to manage their energy effectively, adult children can build the resilience and stamina needed to tackle tasks with greater ease and efficiency.
How can a Support System Help in Addressing Issues Stemming from a Dysfunctional Family?
A strong support system from outside one’s immediate family can be instrumental in addressing challenges stemming from a dysfunctional family environment. External support provides an additional perspective on issues that may be difficult to identify internally. When surrounded by people who care for us unconditionally, they can offer insights into patterns that may be affecting our well-being.
Accountability is crucial in the process of making positive changes, and having someone close to hold you accountable can greatly impact your progress. By engaging with a support system, you can take proactive steps towards personal growth and create positive changes that benefit themselves and those around them.
How to Ultimately Repair the Impact of Family Dysfunction
So, you’ve taken all of this in and you’re wondering what to do next. Realizing what’s wrong is an important first step, but that’s what it is: Just the first step. You can’t break unhealthy ways of thinking and reacting to life without recognizing how your past is controlling you.
First, you’re curious about what to do. That much is essential. You want to take it further, to grow into a richer, more content life without causing sabotage using the point of view of your past. If you take a moment and imagine what that might feel like, and how your life might dramatically change, you’ve got something that will help propel you to the next step.
Consider what I like to call The Karate Kid Scenario. Anyhow, Mr. Miyagi puts young Daniel LaRusso through his paces in what are seemingly unhelpful lessons. (“Wax on, wax off”). It was hard, frustrating, and felt quite hopeless at times. Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is this critical first step.
Imagine if Mr. Miyagi had sent Daniel down a dark alley to fight off some thugs, he would get the crap beaten out of him by just sticking with “wax on, wax off”. By itself, it’s useless! But that doesn’t mean that “wax on, wax off” wasn’t an important and essential building block he needed in order to master his skill. Learning about the impact that your dysfunctional family had on you is just like this. A critical first step, but not enough alone.
