Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families

If you grew up in an unhealthy or dysfunctional family, it has drastically and permanently altered the course of your life. It is absolutely vital to understand how, specifically, this affects you so that you can stand a chance to change patterns of unhealthy choices and behaviors that plague you and your adult life. Left unchecked, these patterns can drastically sabotage everything you hold dear in this life.

The bottom line is that it’s important to realize that you are not crazy. Rather, you grew up in a crazy or “dysfunctional” family which caused you to develop essential yet unhealthy survival habits. You also learned how to live with “dysfunction as normal” and are not used to a life without chaos. To gain freedom from your past, you need to learn exactly how this has impacted you.

Was My Family Dysfunctional?

A family is dysfunctional or unhealthy when one or more of the adult caregivers struggled with addiction, compulsions, codependency or bad behavior. These “bad behaviors” and the reactions others had to them permanently altered the way in which the family operated. The influence of these negative patterns invaded all aspects of the family life.

As a child, your emotional needs were often ignored. You came up with ways to cope and survive. However, these “rules for living” are ultimately self-destructive because they are designed for living as a child in an unhealthy family and not as an adult in a normal life. The bottom line is that in some critical way, your emotional needs were not met as you grew up. It may have extended as far that you needed to take care of others in your life in order to make sure that you were taken care of.

How Dysfunctional Families Impact Us

People who grow up in a chaotic, unpredictable and unhealthy family tend to have extremely similar traits and unhealthy coping patterns. This is what sets Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (ACOD) apart from other people. ACODs are different from people who were raised in other types of families. They tend to view the world in a way that is unique.

These distinct roles often emerge to maintain the family’s dysfunctional patterns. These roles include the Mascot, who uses humor to diffuse tense situations; the Golden Child, who strives for perfection to gain acceptance and special treatment within the family; the Black Sheep, who is scapegoated and blamed, leading to feelings of exclusion and low self-esteem; and the Enabler, who supports and enables dysfunctional behaviors instead of addressing underlying problems. Each of these roles serves to perpetuate the dysfunction within the family unit, impacting the individuals involved both within and outside the home environment.

Rather than focus on roles, it’s often easier to look at habits and traits. See if you can recognize yourself in some of the traits that these roles embrace (not everyone will have all of them):

• They feel that they don’t know what “normal” is.
• They feel that everyone else has the “secret rules” for how to live as a hefalthy adult.
• They don’t know how to live without chaos and crisis, a lifestyle pattern which is difficult to break.
• They can have difficulty following through with and finishing tasks.
• They often have overly high standards for themselves and others, judging without mercy.
• They don’t know how to relax and just have fun.
• They may take themselves very seriously and be highly intense.
• They have difficulty being emotionally vulnerable and navigating intimate relationships.
• They over-react to changes over which they have no control.
• They constantly seek approval and affirmation from others, unintentionally giving away their power and control.
• They often struggle with adapting to change, stemming from a need for control developed in childhood
• They feel they are different and don’t quite “fit in” with others.
• They are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible.
• They are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence to the contrary.
• They maintain the lie that everything was ok in the family.
• They learned to cope with their dysfunctional family with lying and stretching the truth, affecting their future relationships and emotional well-being.
• They tend to be impulsive and jump into situations without thinking through things clearly.
• They have never grieved their lost childhood and struggle with underlying depression, anxiety or anger.
• They erroneously believe that, with a little more effort, they can get others to love them.
• They erroneously believe that, with a little more effort, they can get others to change.

Originally, the research on dysfunctional families was focused on alcohol. Over time, the term Adult Children of Alcoholics, or ACOA, became known. However, in recent years the understanding of dysfunction in the family has extended beyond alcohol. The new trend is to refer to those that grew up in such circumstances as Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. It doesn’t matter if the dysfunction in the family is major or minor; the impact is felt the same. Children end up developing traits that they will have to struggle with throughout their adult lives.

The bottom line is that it’s important to realize that you are not crazy. Rather, you grew up in a crazy or “dysfunctional” family which caused you to develop essential yet unhealthy survival habits.

Dysfunctional Family Patterns

It’s worth noting that dysfunctional families also have patterns of behavior, in addition to the traits listed above. Some common patterns in dysfunctional families include Triangulation, Gaslighting, and Stonewalling. Triangulation is a manipulative strategy where two family members unite against another individual within the family. Gaslighting is a psychological technique used by one family member to destabilize another person’s sense of reality or sanity through manipulation. Stonewalling is a defensive response where a family member who feels aggrieved refuses to interact with the offending individual until an apology is issued. These behaviors are frequently found in dysfunctional family dynamics and can have harmful impacts on the well-being of family members involved.

Why is it Important to Hold Oneself Accountable in Addressing Issues from a Dysfunctional Family?

It is crucial to hold oneself accountable when addressing issues from a dysfunctional family because taking responsibility for our actions and behaviors is the first step towards creating positive change. By holding ourselves accountable, we demonstrate a commitment to personal growth and development. Engaging in self-reflection and acknowledging the impact of our past experiences can empower us to break free from harmful patterns and establish healthier relationships.

Additionally, seeking support from trusted individuals who can hold us accountable in our journey towards healing can lead to transformative outcomes not only for ourselves but also for those within our familial circle. By being accountable, we pave the way for genuine progress and lasting improvements in our lives and the lives of those we care about.

How can a Support System Help in Addressing Issues Stemming from a Dysfunctional Family?

A strong support system from outside one’s immediate family can be instrumental in addressing challenges stemming from a dysfunctional family environment. External support provides an additional perspective on issues that may be difficult to identify internally. When surrounded by people who care for us unconditionally, they can offer insights into patterns that may be affecting our well-being.

Accountability is crucial in the process of making positive changes, and having someone close to hold you accountable can greatly impact your progress. By engaging with a support system, you can take proactive steps towards personal growth and create positive changes that benefit themselves and those around them.

Why is it Important to Identify Unhealthy Patterns from Our Family of Origin?

It is crucial to recognize unhealthy patterns that have originated from one’s family because doing so allows an individual to gain insight into how these patterns may be impacting their current life. By identifying these detrimental patterns, one can begin to address and work through the underlying issues that have been passed down through generations.

This self-awareness can lead to healing and personal growth, ultimately helping to break the cycle of unhealthy behaviors and relationships. Seeking support from a professional, such as through individual or family counseling, can further guide individuals in understanding and transforming these patterns to create healthier and more fulfilling lives.

What are Some Causes of a Dysfunctional Family?

A dysfunctional family can stem from multiple factors that disrupt healthy family dynamics. These causes may include a history of child abuse and neglect, with parents engaging in physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse. Issues may also arise from strict or controlling parenting styles that limit a child’s ability to make decisions independently. Equally important, families with permissive or overly soft parenting can struggle to establish clear boundaries and rules.

Parental inadequacy, whether through absence or neglect, can also contribute to dysfunction within a family. Substance abuse or addiction can lead to unpredictability, neglect, and emotional turmoil for children. Families facing the challenges of caring for a disabled or chronically ill child may experience disruptions in their dynamics and relationships. Worse, external factors such as infidelity, divorce, unemployment, or death can significantly impact family stability and functioning.

Often overlooked is the presence of undiagnosed or diagnosed personality traits (hint: Narcissistic or Borderline). Larger families may face difficulties in meeting each child’s individual needs, leading to strained relationships and a lack of attention. Differences in family values and even our own culture can also create tensions and conflicts within the family. Insecure family attachments can make things more chaotic, which affects the family’s emotional well-being.

This is all just a fancy way of saying that a combination of many factors (both internal and external) can contribute to the development of a dysfunctional family environment.

How to Ultimately Repair the Impact of Family Dysfunction

So, you’ve taken all of this in and you’re wondering what to do next. Realizing what’s wrong is an important first step, but that’s what it is: Just the first step. You can’t break unhealthy ways of thinking and reacting to life without recognizing how your past is controlling you.

First, you’re curious about what to do. That much is essential. You want to take it further, to grow into a richer, more content life without causing sabotage using the point of view of your past. If you take a moment and imagine what that might feel like, and how your life might dramatically change, you’ve got something that will help propel you to the next step.

Consider what I like to call The Karate Kid Scenario. Anyhow, Mr. Miyagi puts young Daniel LaRusso through his paces in what are seemingly unhelpful lessons. (“Wax on, wax off”). It was hard, frustrating, and felt quite hopeless at times. Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is this critical first step.

Imagine if Mr. Miyagi had sent Daniel down a dark alley to fight off some thugs, he would get the crap beaten out of him by just sticking with “wax on, wax off”. By itself, it’s useless! But that doesn’t mean that “wax on, wax off” wasn’t an important and essential building block he needed in order to master his skill. Learning about the impact that your dysfunctional family had on you is just like this. A critical first step, but not enough alone.

Additional Resources

• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parent.
• Surviving the Toxic Family: Taking Yourself out of the Equation and Taking your Life Back from your Dysfunctional Family.
• Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries & Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy.
• Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People: Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up for Your Self, and Transform Your Relationship as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents.
• Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Honor Your Emotions, Nurture Your Self & Live with Confidence.
• But It’s Your Family: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath.
• Healing Your Lost Inner Child: How to Stop Impulsive Reactions, Set Healthy Boundaries and Embrace an Authentic Life.
• It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle.
• The Better Boundaries Workbook: A CBT-Based Program to Help You Set Limits, Express Your Needs, and Create Healthy Relationships.
• Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life.
• Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage.