You can’t control what other people do. You can wish they were different, but that’s not going to change them. Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” philosophy encourages a mindset shift that involves accepting others as they are and releasing control over things you can’t change. Instead of getting caught up in trying to influence or manage others’ behaviors or choices, the idea is to let people be who they are and do what they do, while focusing on how you respond to the situation.
What Mel Robbins is talking about here is accepting the reality of who people are, rather than trying to change them to fit your expectations. It’s about setting boundaries with your own emotions and reactions. You let them do what they do, and you focus on what you can control—you. When you release the need to control others, you stop wasting energy on things you can’t change, and that allows you to shift the focus to making better decisions for yourself. In other words, let them do what they’re gonna do, but you decide what you’re gonna do about it.
Quick Summary
Here’s how to start embracing the “Let Them” Philosophy
1. Self-Awareness and Acknowledgment
The first step is recognizing when you are getting upset about someone else’s behavior. You might ask yourself, “Why is this bothering me? Am I trying to control something that isn’t mine to control?” This kind of mindfulness helps break the automatic emotional response to others’ actions.
2. Releasing Control
Start practicing letting go of the need to control or fix other people. This doesn’t mean you ignore boundaries, but you recognize that others are entitled to their choices, and those choices are not a reflection of you. When you find yourself wanting to intervene or change someone’s behavior, pause and remind yourself, “Let them do what they will.”
3. Focusing on Yourself
Robbins’ philosophy emphasizes that when you focus on yourself, your own reactions, and what you can control, it becomes easier to let go of what others are doing. The challenge is shifting from external focus (trying to control others) to internal focus (managing your response). This could involve setting clear boundaries or simply disengaging emotionally from things that are not within your control.
4. Compassionate Detachment
Embracing “Let Them” also means practicing compassion. You can acknowledge that others are imperfect (just like you are) and that their behaviors are about them, not about you. This compassion can help you accept others without the need to change them.
5. Setting Boundaries
“Let Them” doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment or lack of respect. It means allowing others to act as they will, while also being clear about what is acceptable to you. Setting healthy boundaries is part of this process, but without trying to manipulate or control others.
When You’re Upset by Others’ Behavior
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Start by recognizing how you feel. It’s okay to admit that someone else’s behavior is upsetting or frustrating. “I’m feeling really frustrated by what they’re doing” is a good way to validate your own emotions.
2. Reflect on What You Can Control
Ask yourself what part of the situation is within your control. You can’t change how others act, but you can decide how you respond. Consider: “What if I focus on what I can control—my reactions—instead of what they’re doing?”
3. Shift Your Focus Inward
Instead of concentrating on the behavior that’s bothering you, think about how you want to feel and react. “How can I stay calm or feel more at peace even when this person acts this way?”
4. Let Go of the Need to Change Others
Try to release the urge to control or change others. Ask yourself, “What if I let them be who they are without trying to fix them? How would that feel?” This can help you find more peace in situations that usually stress you out.
5. Set Boundaries Where Needed
Remember, letting others be themselves doesn’t mean you have to tolerate disrespect or mistreatment. “I can let them be who they are, but I can also set boundaries to protect my peace and well-being.”
By shifting your focus away from trying to change others and toward managing your own responses, you might find it easier to stay grounded and calm.
The Painful Connections to our Past
Sometimes, when we practice letting others be themselves, it can stir up feelings of unfairness or deep-seated anger, especially when we’re reminded of how people—often the adults in our lives when we were young—affected us in ways that still hurt. Their behavior may have left us feeling powerless or unseen, and those experiences can still trigger us today. It’s natural to feel that rush of emotion when someone in our present behaves in a way that echoes the unresolved pain from our past.
When this happens, it’s not just about what’s happening in the moment; it’s also about old wounds that haven’t fully healed. This reaction gives us an opportunity to recognize that there’s still healing to be done. Instead of letting the pain from the past drive how we respond to others now, it’s an invitation to pause and reflect: What am I really feeling, and where does it come from?
By acknowledging that the strong emotional reaction is connected to past hurts, we can separate those feelings from the present situation. This allows us to respond to people today without letting the unresolved wounds of our childhood dictate how we interact with them. It’s about reclaiming our power and responding in a way that aligns with who we are now, rather than reacting from the hurt child within us.
Recognizing these triggers can be uncomfortable, but it also offers a chance for deeper healing. It helps us move from being stuck in old patterns to creating healthier, more empowered ways of relating to others—without the weight of past pain guiding our actions. This is where true emotional freedom lies.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, you can’t control other people’s actions, and trying to do so will only leave you frustrated. Mel Robbins is saying, ‘Let them be who they are.’ Focus on what you can control—your reaction, your boundaries, and how you choose to move forward. The power is in taking responsibility for your own peace and not getting caught up in trying to manage everyone else’s behavior. It’s about letting go of that need for control and finding your own emotional balance.
