After many years together, you might think you’ve got this relationship thing figured out. You can predict each other’s responses, finish each other’s sentences, and probably even know exactly how your next argument will play out. But sometimes that predictability is part of the problem.

What if those communication patterns you’ve developed over the years – the ones that feel as familiar as your morning coffee routine – are actually undermining the connection you’ve built? Dr. John Gottman’s research has identified four specific communication patterns that can erode even the strongest relationships. He calls them The Four Horsemen, and chances are, if you’re like most long-term couples, you’ve been hosting at least a few of them in your relationship without even realizing it.

Making Sense of The Four Horsemen

John Gottman chose the term The Four Horsemen as a way to illustrate that there are four dangerous types of communication in our relationships. Just as the story of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are used to signal “the end of times”, these four unhealthy communication patterns can signal the end of a relationship if left unchecked. They create a cascade of negativity that erodes the foundation of trust and respect in relationships.

It’s interesting to note that these four communication patterns – criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling – often make more sense to us when we look at how they’re translated in foreign languages. For example, in Mandarin Chinese:

Criticism: 批评 (pī píng) – literally means “to slice with judgment”
Defensiveness: 防御 (fáng yù) – literally “to guard against/to protect oneself”
Contempt: 蔑视 (miè shì) – literally “to look down upon with eyes” or “to regard as nothing”
Stonewalling: 筑墙 (zhù qiáng) – literally “to build a wall”

It’s not the absence of conflict that matters, it’s what we do with it. Research from the Gottman Institute has shown that couples that manage conflict poorly are significantly more likely to end their relationship or get divorced.

Gottman’s research also has shown that the Four Horsemen typically appear in a specific order, creating a cascade or downward spiral in relationships. It usually starts with criticism, which tends to lead to defensiveness, as partners naturally protect themselves. When this criticism-defensiveness pattern continues, it often escalates to contempt (feeling superior to or disgusted with your partner). Once contempt becomes common, the attacked partner frequently responds with stonewalling (shutting down) as a way to protect themselves from the emotional pain.

Criticism (aka “Fault Finding”)

Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character rather than expressing a specific concern. It’s natural to notice things that bother us about our partner – we’re all human and imperfect. But when we transform these complaints into statements about our partner’s personality or character, we create distance and hurt. It also typically triggers even more criticism or defensiveness from our partner, creating a cycle where both people feel increasingly unheard and misunderstood.

Here are some examples of criticism in action:

“You always…”

“You always leave your clothes on the floor”
“You always come home late without texting me”
“You always spend more time on your phone than with me”
“You always have an excuse for not helping with housework”
“You always find a way to blame me”

“You never…”

“You never listen when I talk about my day”
“You never take initiative with the kids”
“You never remember important dates”
“You never show affection unless you want something”
“You never apologize when you hurt my feelings”

“You’re the type of person who…”

“You’re the type of person who only thinks about yourself”
“You’re the type of person who has to be right all the time”
“You’re the type of person who can’t handle any criticism”
“You’re the type of person who puts work before family”
“You’re the type of person who makes promises but never follows through”

“Why are you so…”

“Why are you so inconsiderate?”
“Why are you so lazy around the house?”
“Why are you so defensive whenever we talk?”
“Why are you so critical of everything I do?”
“Why are you so distant lately?”

When criticism becomes a pattern, it creates several destructive ripple effects in the relationship. The criticized partner often begins to feel constantly judged and attacked, leading them to either withdraw emotionally or respond with defensiveness. This typically escalates conflicts, as the critical partner then feels even more frustrated by their partner’s defensive response or withdrawal, leading to more criticism.

Over time, this pattern erodes the foundation of friendship and respect in the relationship. The criticized partner may start to feel like nothing they do is ever good enough, leading to walking on eggshells or giving up on trying to please their partner. Meanwhile, the critical partner often feels increasingly frustrated and unheard, not realizing that their approach is actually pushing their partner away and preventing the very changes they desire.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a natural but problematic way of protecting ourselves when we feel criticized or blamed. It shows up as deflecting responsibility, making excuses, or counter-attacking with our own complaints. While it’s understandable to want to defend ourselves when feeling attacked, it doesn’t actually solve anything. Instead, our partner’s original message gets lost – their concern never gets heard or addressed.

You can recognize defensiveness when you hear things like:

“I didn’t…”

“I didn’t forget – you never told me!”
“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings”
“I didn’t raise my voice at you”
“I didn’t have time to do it”
“I didn’t ignore you – I was just busy”

“That’s not true!”

“That’s not true! I always help around here”
“That’s not true! You’re remembering it wrong”
“That’s not true! I told you about this last week”
“That’s not true! I do care about your feelings”
“That’s not true! You’re exaggerating”

“You’re the one who…”

“You’re the one who started the argument”
“You’re the one who’s always working late”
“You’re the one who never wants to talk”
“You’re the one who spends all our money”
“You’re the one who’s always on their phone”

“I did that because you…”

“I did that because you never listen to me anyway”
“I did that because you were ignoring me”
“I did that because you made me angry”
“I did that because you did the same thing last week”
“I did that because you didn’t give me any other choice”

The conversation often escalates as each person tries harder to make their point, moving further away from the actual issue that needs to be discussed. This pattern can turn a simple conversation about loading the dishwasher into an argument about who does more around the house, who cares more about the relationship, or past hurts that have nothing to do with the original topic.

Contempt

Why makes contempt so toxic? It combines criticism with superiority, where we mock or disrespect our partner. When we’re contemptuous, we’re essentially saying, “I’m better than you, and you’re defective.” Gottman’s research has shown contempt to be the single greatest predictor of relationship dissolution or divorce. I often tell my clients that if they use contempt, they might as well toss in lighter fluid and a match – it destroys the very foundation of respect that relationships need in order to survive.

Contempt can often looks like:

Insults:

“You’re such an idiot”
“How can anyone be this incompetent?”
“What kind of parent does that?”
“You’re acting like a child”
“You’re so pathetic”

Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery:

“Oh wow, you actually remembered something for once!”
“Nice job ‘helping’ with dinner – you really outdid yourself with that cereal”
“I’m sorry, I forgot you were the relationship expert here”
“Well, look who finally decided to join the family”
“Congratulations on doing the bare minimum”

Rolling your eyes:

Rolling eyes when partner shares their opinion
Rolling eyes while partner is explaining their feelings
Rolling eyes in response to partner’s request
Rolling eyes during partner’s story
Rolling eyes at partner’s suggestion

Sneering:

Curling lip in disgust when partner speaks
Making faces while partner is talking
Mimicking partner’s words or tone mockingly
Looking at partner with disdain
Scoffing at partner’s ideas or feelings

Contempt is uniquely destructive because it directly attacks our partner’s sense of self-worth. The impact goes beyond emotional harm – research has shown that being on the receiving end of contempt can even affect physical health, weakening the immune system and increasing susceptibility to illness. This makes sense when we consider how stressful it is to live with someone who treats us with disgust or disrespect.

Stonewalling (aka “Withdrawal”)

Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down completely, becoming emotionally and physically unreachable during difficult conversations. What’s important to understand is that stonewalling usually isn’t meant to punish – it’s typically a response to feeling emotionally flooded or overwhelmed. The stonewalling partner often believes they’re doing the right thing by staying quiet to avoid making things worse. However, for the partner trying to communicate, this silence can feel like abandonment and typically escalates their distress.

Think of it like a circuit breaker that trips when there’s too much emotional electricity flowing. The stonewalling partner feels they need to disconnect to prevent damage, but this sudden disconnection leaves their partner in the dark, feeling confused and alone.

You can recognize stonewalling by the following behaviors:

Becoming silent:

Suddenly stopping all responses in a conversation
Refusing to answer questions
Going quiet when difficult topics come up
Shutting down during arguments
Not acknowledging partner’s attempts to communicate

Changing the subject:

“Let’s talk about something else”
Bringing up unrelated topics when feeling overwhelmed
Deflecting to past issues instead of addressing current ones
Suddenly remembering “important” tasks that need attention
Moving to superficial topics to avoid deeper discussion

Giving the silent treatment:

Refusing to speak for extended periods
Ignoring partner’s attempts to reconnect
Acting like partner isn’t there
Withholding normal daily communication
Only communicating through others

Leaving the room:

Walking away during discussions
Suddenly needing to “get some air”
Going to another room and closing the door
Leaving the house during conflicts
Finding reasons to be physically elsewhere

Muttering or avoiding eye contact:

Looking at phone instead of partner
Staring at the wall or floor
Speaking too quietly to be heard
Mumbling responses under breath
Physically turning away during conversations

When stonewalling becomes a pattern, it creates a destructive cycle in the relationship. The partner trying to communicate feels increasingly abandoned and unimportant, often leading them to pursue harder with criticism or emotional appeals. This increased pressure makes the stonewalling partner feel even more overwhelmed, causing them to shut down more completely and frequently. Over time, this pattern makes it impossible to address even minor issues.

The emotional distance grows as conversations become superficial to avoid triggering shutdown responses. Partners stop sharing their inner worlds, dreams, and daily experiences. The relationship begins to feel empty as emotional intimacy disappears.

The Path Ahead

These Four Horsemen aren’t just fancy terms – they’re relationship killers, plain and small. When you criticize, get defensive, show contempt, or stonewall your partner, you’re not just having a bad day – you’re playing with fire. After more than a decade together, these patterns can feel like old friends – your familiar ways of dancing around conflicts. You might even finish each other’s sentences during arguments, knowing exactly how the whole thing will play out.

Look, I get it. Changing how you communicate after a decade or more feels about as easy as learning a new language in your sleep. You’ve probably tried before, maybe even multiple times. But here’s the thing: those moments when you still make each other laugh, when you share an inside joke no one else gets, when you can communicate volumes with just a look – those moments show that the connection is still there. And unlike those early years, you now have the advantage of truly knowing each other, quirks and all.

The relationship you want isn’t about becoming different people – it’s about making different choices in those moments you could practically script by now. Maybe it’s catching yourself before that eye-roll, or choosing curiosity instead of launching into the same old defense. These small changes might feel awkward at first, like trying to write with your other hand. But just like you’ve learned each other’s rhythms over the years, you can learn new steps to this dance, one conversation at a time.