Researchers have identified specific patterns that put the relationship at risk of ending. Ask yourself where you would rate yourself and your partner. See if you can change your response style to improve things.
Quick Summary
Pursuer / Distancer
Risk Level for Divorce: Highest
Typically, the more emotionally aware person raises problem issues in the relationship. Their partner dismisses these issues as unimportant, wrong, or the other person’s fault. They can only see their side of the issue and have a fear that others are trying to change or control them.
Disengaged
Risk Level for Divorce: High
These are emotionally distant individuals who don’t need intimacy and lack mutual interests.
Dramatic
Risk Level for Divorce: High
Tumultuous and volatile interactions, marked by cycles of fighting and sex.
Cohesive
Risk Level for Divorce: Low
Shared responsibilities allow for each person to have independence. Sees the relationship as a helpful refuge and works to make it better.
Traditional
Risk Level for Divorce: Low
Shares a traditional interpretation of “making the marriage work.” Each sees what they, not their partner, needs to do to make the relationship work.
The Four Horsemen
Risk Level for Divorce: Moderate
Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that the Gottman Institute calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Flooding
Risk Level for Divorce: Highest
This means that your partner’s negativity – whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness – is so overwhelming that it leaves you feeling physiologically flooded.
Body Language
Risk Level for Divorce: Low to Moderate
Certain physical changes such as increased heart-rate, sweating or lack of eye-contact are signs of distress and make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.
Failed Repair Attempts
Risk Level for Divorce: High
Repair attempts are efforts the couple makes to de-escalate the tension during a discussion. The failure of these attempts is an accurate marker of an unhappy future together.
Bad Memories
Risk Level for Divorce: Low to Moderate
In a happy relationship, couples tend to look back on their early days fondly. Struggles or “rough patches” are viewed as something they overcame together. Those with bad recollections of their past tend to struggle when they run into the bumps of life together.
