Discernment counseling with David Lechnyr, LCSW, is a brief, structured process for couples where one or both partners are uncertain whether to continue the relationship. Unlike couples therapy, which works to improve the relationship, discernment counseling helps each partner gain clarity and confidence about the direction of their marriage, based on a deeper understanding of what has happened to it. Typically completed in 5 sessions or fewer. Available via telehealth in Oregon and Arizona. For clients outside these states, discernment counseling is available worldwide as relationship coaching.
Stop Living in Relationship Limbo
You wake up and the first thought is the same one as yesterday: Should I stay or should I go?
You’ve been having some version of that thought for months. Maybe longer. You’re not separated, but you’re not really together either. You’re in that gray zone where nothing gets resolved, no one says the actual thing, and you both keep functioning on the surface while something underneath is quietly dying.
One of you wants to fight for this. The other isn’t sure there’s anything left to fight for.
And neither of you knows how to move forward, because moving forward feels like it means choosing, and choosing feels unbearable.
Why Traditional Couples Therapy Won’t Work Here
Here’s what traditional couples therapy can’t fix: It assumes you’ve already decided to save the relationship. But when you’re not sure it should be saved, when that question is still open, skills training and communication exercises land on nothing. You can’t build on a foundation you haven’t decided to keep.
Discernment counseling is designed for exactly this moment. Not to push you toward staying. Not to encourage you to leave. To help you both understand what actually happened and what’s realistically possible so you can make a decision you won’t spend years second-guessing.
I’m David Lechnyr, LCSW, a Certified Gottman Therapist with over 18 years in practice serving couples in Oregon and Arizona. I work with couples at this specific crossroads, not couples who’ve already decided, but couples who are living inside the question.
Discernment Counseling Is Right for You If…
- One of you is “leaning out” (considering divorce, emotionally checked out, one foot already gone) while the other is “leaning in” (willing to do whatever it takes, terrified of losing this).
- You’ve tried couples therapy before and it didn’t stick because one or both of you weren’t fully committed to the work.
- You’re not sure therapy would even help right now, because you don’t know if the relationship should continue.
- You need to make a real decision but can’t see clearly because you’re too close to it, too tired, or too afraid of getting it wrong.
- You have children and the weight of that is part of every thought you’re having.
If you’re both committed to repair, you don’t need this. You need couples therapy. This is for the couples who aren’t there yet.
The Three Paths Forward
Discernment counseling doesn’t steer you toward any particular outcome. It helps you look honestly at three options with equal weight so you can choose from understanding rather than exhaustion.
Path 1: Stay As You Are
Continue the relationship without any immediate changes. Most couples reject this path once they name it clearly, but it’s important to recognize that doing nothing is a choice. Limbo doesn’t just happen to you. Every day you stay in it, you’re choosing it.
Path 2: Separate With Clarity
End the relationship thoughtfully, in a way that minimizes damage, protects your children from ongoing conflict, and gives both of you the understanding to actually move on. Divorce doesn’t have to be chaotic or hostile. When you separate with clarity about what happened and why, you can do it with dignity instead of wreckage.
Path 3: Commit Fully, For Real This Time
Take divorce off the table for six months. Both partners fully in. Not one person trying while the other stays ambivalent. If you choose this path, you enter structured couples therapy designed to address the specific patterns that have been running your relationship. You get an honest shot, not another round of the same thing that already failed.
What Happens in Discernment Counseling
Duration: Typically completed in 5 sessions or fewer, within 2 to 5 weeks.
Format: Not like traditional couples therapy. Sessions include individual time with each partner, then structured couple discussion. This matters because it lets each of you speak honestly without performing for your partner or managing their reaction while trying to figure out your own.
What we work through:
- What each of you has contributed to where things are (not blame, but contribution)
- What’s actually maintaining the dysfunction underneath the surface arguments
- Whether meaningful change is realistically possible and what it would require
- What each of the three paths would actually look like for your specific situation
- A decision you can make from solid ground, not fear, not false hope, not exhaustion
The Cost of Deciding Wrong
Research published in Psychology Today finds that at least one third of people regret their divorce, and that number rises substantially when the decision was made without fully understanding what was driving the relationship’s breakdown.
In other words,, most people who regret their divorce don’t regret leaving a bad situation. They regret making the decision without ever fully understanding what was actually broken or whether it could have been fixed.
Discernment counseling addresses this directly. You’ll gain enough understanding of what’s actually happening and what’s actually possible to make a decision you can live with. One you won’t spend years wondering about.
Whether you ultimately stay or leave, you’ll do it with eyes open.
How This Differs From Couples Therapy
| Traditional Couples Therapy | Discernment Counseling | |
|---|---|---|
| Commitment required | Both partners want to save the relationship | Works with ambivalence and mixed motivation |
| Timeline | Months or longer | 5 sessions or fewer, time limited by design |
| Session format | Partners work together throughout | Individual perspectives within couple sessions |
| Goal | Improve the relationship | Clarity about which direction to take |
| Focus | Problem solving | Decision making |
Traditional couples therapy has strong outcomes for couples who are both committed to the work. Discernment counseling exists for the couples who aren’t there yet, and may never be.
When the Answer is Separation
Choosing to separate after discernment counseling isn’t failure. Many couples who go through this process report that it made the divorce more cooperative, less hostile, and more respectful, especially when children are involved.
Parents who leave with clarity are better equipped to co-parent in a way that protects their kids from ongoing conflict. The relationship ends. The family doesn’t have to.
Client Experience
“We had been stuck in the same conversation for two years. David helped us finally see it clearly, understand our part in it, and make a decision we could both live with. I don’t know where we’d be if we hadn’t done this first.“
– Former discernment counseling client
How to Talk to Your Resistant Partner
If your partner has checked out (“nothing will help”)
Don’t argue with their hopelessness. Meet it. Tell them you’re not asking them to commit to fixing anything. You’re asking for one session with someone who works specifically with couples where one person isn’t sure. One session to get a clearer read on where things stand. That’s all.
If your partner wants to handle it privately (“we don’t need outside help”)
Respect that instinct. Frame this as time limited (five sessions maximum) and decision focused, not open ended therapy. This isn’t about bringing in a referee. It’s about getting a clearer picture of something you’re both too close to see clearly on your own.
If your partner thinks therapy is pointless (“I’m not doing therapy”)
Don’t call it therapy. Call it a consultation with someone who helps couples figure out what they’re actually dealing with before deciding what to do next. One session, no commitment, no pressure to change anything. Designed for people who are skeptical, not already bought in.
Frequently Asked Questions
How many sessions does this take?
Typically 5 sessions or fewer, completed within 2 to 5 weeks. Most couples reach clarity within 2 to 3 sessions. The process is time limited by design because prolonged limbo is its own kind of damage.
What if we decide to work on the relationship?
You enter a structured couples therapy program designed to address the specific patterns maintaining your dysfunction. Both partners take divorce off the table for six months and fully engage in the work, not one person trying while the other stays on the fence.
What if only one of us wants to come?
Discernment counseling works best with both partners. That said, I can meet with one partner initially to assess the situation and help you think through how to approach a reluctant spouse. Individual sessions can also help you clarify your own thinking before your partner is ready.
How much does it cost?
Discernment counseling is a flat rate package, not per session billing. The specific investment is discussed during your initial consultation. Superbills are available for out of network insurance reimbursement.
Is telehealth available?
Yes, throughout Oregon and Arizona. For clients outside these states, discernment counseling is available worldwide as relationship coaching.
What does “success” mean with Discernment Counseling?
Not whether you stay together. Success is making a decision from accurate understanding rather than exhaustion, fear, or false hope. Couples who gain real clarity, whether they stay or leave, move forward differently than couples who stay stuck in limbo.
Discernment Counseling Is Not the Right Fit if…
- There’s active domestic violence or coercive control
- There’s active untreated substance abuse requiring primary treatment
- Both partners are already committed to working on the relationship (couples therapy is the better fit)
- You’re looking for open ended, ongoing therapy
Take the Next Step
You’ve been living in the question long enough. The indecision isn’t protecting you. It’s costing you. Every week in limbo is another week of quiet erosion: of the relationship, of your own clarity, of whatever is still possible.
Discernment counseling won’t make the decision for you. But it will give you what you’ve been missing: an honest picture of what you’re actually dealing with, what’s realistically possible, and what each path would look like for your specific situation.
You deserve to make this decision from solid ground. Not from exhaustion. Not from fear. Not from one more month of the same conversation that goes nowhere.