Our culture makes such a fuss about “love and marriage” that we find ourselves “losing perspective” about the reality of what is required to make a good relationship. However, marriages (and committed relationships) are ending more frequently these days because “once the love glow comes off” the realities of life are now seen.
Quick Summary
Marriage is More than Love
What we fail to remember is that marriage is a way of “forming a partnership” with another person which is designed for a specific purpose. Don’t assume that the other person “sees the same purpose” that you do in the agreement.
We have to know that the “high of the courtship” will wear off with time. Marriage is a partnership that is designed for certain goals that the couple needs to agree about ahead of time. It is critical that each individual “step back” and think about what it is that they want to accomplish in life. Then it is critical to ask if the other person is the one who can help to “make those goals happen” for you.
Marriage as a “Business Venture”
When partners form a business, they work to develop a business strategy plan.
This plan is what is going to guide the partners as they start on developing their business so that it is ultimately successful.
The partners sit down and write out their goals, ideas, future plans, and make a decision as to whether or not they are willing to work together to obtain these goals. If the partners find that they “like each other,” but have different plans and goals for their “life’s business,” then it is wiser for them to decide to separate early on or their business will fail.
People Change When They Get Married
Many people comment on how one or the other person changes once they are finally married.
We do all we can to “win the other over” so we are on “our best behaviors in the courtship.”
However, once “the goal (i.e., relationship/marriage is assured) is obtained” the other person may feel free to change “back” to their former personhood, and the goals that they “really want” for their lives.
This is why it is important to “take your time” to get to know someone so that you can “observe them over time.”
Sometimes, the other person does not really change that much. What happens is that we “let our love blind our vision of the realities of the other person’s true character.”
Part of this is because of our own dependency needs, fears of being alone, and our need to “have someone in our lives no matter what.”
However, “love does not make a marriage.”
What is important is that the couple work together to “iron out problems ahead of time” so that they can insure the success of their “business” over time.
Any business venture takes work before, during and after the partnership has been formalized.
The same goes for marriage. Make sure that your goals will be met and that you are not “giving up on what you want and hope for in life” just because you let yourself be blinded by love.
Real marriages work because one comes to realize that it has more to do with “living a real life” with expectations that you want to have met–and that both of you know and agree about those expectations.
If the other person is not able to meet your expectations, because they feel that their needs must come first, than you will lose your sense of being a person alive in life. You will then be always “giving in and losing yourself” just to “be married.”
Both individuals have to “be equals–each having an equal voice in decisions.”
If one member is not willing to talk about issues, or is “telling the other what they should, or should not think, then this is an unequal relationship.
Watch to see if they listen to, and value, what you have to say. If they listen only part way, and then change the subject to what they want, this should be a warning sign of inequality and the need to be in control with a desire that “they” consider their needs and wants first.
Watch to see if you share the same values for your life. If there are differences in values this can lead to later problems for the relationship. Don’t believe that you can adjust. At some point you will become resentful about giving up what you believe in.
DON’T ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW THE ANSWER–ask questions, listen, and observe behaviors.
Do they deal with the issues, or just hope if they don’t say anything that these issues will just go away and be forgotten?–Not a good sign.
When any partnership is formed, each person has to change and adjust to the other.
Each individual has to “give up” some of their personal desires, and activities, the for “joint directions” that are in the best interests of the relationship.
Love helps. However, friendship, making sure that one’s goals and hopes work within the relationship, are what is important for one’s future happiness.
If this is not possible, then the relationship will eventually be an unhappy one with much depression and a strong potential for a divorce.
Remember, what you see, and observe in the behaviors of the other, is what you will get. “You shall know them by their actions, not their words!”
Some people are just “users and losers.” All they care about, and the only ones they really love, will be themselves. However, “users” are always attractive and know how to put on a good act–for a while–until they get what they want or need. Then they leave or do their own thing and forget totally about you–even if you are still in the relationship with them.
If you have a strong need for something, and the other person is unwilling to work with you on this issue in realistic ways, then you have to raise questions about the long-term potential of the partnership–no matter how good it feels or “could be.”
Observe how your potential partner relates to others in their family and with friends. Do they listen to others, work to help them, or do they expect that all the attention should revolve around them and their decisions and ideas. This will tell you a lot of how they will relate to you in the relationship.
Don’t make excuses for what you see just to “convince yourself.” Deal with what you see now and see if the other one is willing to understand what you see as important to the relationship.
No one can “push the other” to be the person you want them to be. Loving them into change also will not work. All this involves “control and trying to be the other’s parent.” No one wants to live with a parent, or a spoiled controlling child, forever!
Find ways to figure out if the other person is able to “see beyond themselves,” or whether they “believe the world should revolve around them.”
You job is not to change, or raise, them. You can’t make other people into more than they are. Accept this fact and then you will learn “start to see the reality of the situation” and be able to make realistic decisions.
