insecurity

Extreme Loyalty in Adult Children of Alcoholics: Understanding the Fear and Insecurity

Dave Lechnyr, LCSW · Gottman Certified Therapist · Eugene, Oregon

Adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) often exhibit extreme loyalty, even when faced with evidence that their loyalty is undeserved. This unwavering commitment to others, particularly to their alcoholic parent or dysfunctional family members, is rooted in fear and insecurity. ACOAs may believe that by being exceptionally loyal, they can earn the love and approval they desperately seek, hoping to change their loved ones for the better.

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“Before therapy I thought I could change people with my love, affection, loyalty, etc. Not only did I think I *could* but I think I thought that it was somehow also my duty to do so. Then I learned about codependency and how it was not my responsibility to change people nor is it possible. I learned that people are who they are and, other than a respectful request, it's best to take people at face value and use boundaries. As a result, I no longer make as much space for people in my life who drain me and do not fill my cup.”

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