There is nothing wrong with wanting to be comfortable and safe in life. However, when we find ourselves devoting much of our efforts into finding ways to avoid our feelings or to always be comfortable, then something may be wrong. Understanding a few issues might be of some help.
Quick Summary
Some People are Impulsive
There are some people who are always “jumping” into things without even thinking about what they are doing. They enjoy being risk-takers and the “feelings” that go along with being impulsive in life. They become bored easily and just do not enjoy “playing it safe.”
These risk-takers are sometimes the people who “get things done” in the world.
However, some people continue to get themselves into trouble because the “jump and talk” before they “think.” Their impulsiveness may also cause others to avoid them because of their quick changing behaviors. Being too impulsive can be a problem when the person finds themselves wondering “what went wrong.”
Avoiders and Comfort Seekers
Avoiders and comfort seekers are those individuals who expend as much energy as possible to make sure that they are “safe, comfortable, and can avoid any problems.” In fact, the majority of people in society are “conflict avoiders.” They are very uncomfortable with problems and conflicts and will do whatever is necessary to avoid any conflicts or problems.
Conflict avoidance is therefore the common emotional cold!
Some of these people never pace themselves, or their activities, because they need to be busy, taking care of others, and then insuring that everything will be find and okay in life. They may also want quick solutions to their problems and have a difficult time tolerating uncertainty, problems, pain or difficulties.
They will deny problems so long that they end up in even more pain and problems later on. They devote all of their energies toward making sure that nothing goes wrong. They also become upset when there are pains or problems.
It is important to remember that “air traffic controllers” who are trying to “control everything” tend to become very stressed unless they take breaks every 1.5 hours. After a while they start to see “phantom blips” on the radar screens – things that are not there!
No one can have total control and comfort. A certain amount of comfort, about 35 percent, is normal and healthy. Less than that is impulsive. More than that suggests that the person is wanting to avoid and insure their comfort.
Non-confrontational people are naturally drawn to people with dominant personalities and when the two of them meet clashing ensues. Passive conflict avoiders get stuck in the middle and dominated by others. They seem plagued to pick controlling people over an over again and then wonder why they are controlled and dominated by others.
Solutions
Most people in the world are “conflict avoiders” to some degree. They will do anything to keep the peace and not have any upsets. They allow themselves to be in situations, relationships, jobs, or whatever, that may not be beneficial to them either emotionally or financially.
They focus on the present and lack a future focus.
Watch how they function in various settings. You will recognize them by their behaviors, not their words or promises. The “too much or too little” extremes of any issue is “the problem” for the avoiders.
It is important to remember that we cannot avoid problems and have total comfort. However, many avoiders do not want to disrupt the status quo and so become passive and accepting of suffering and the control of others.
Pain, suffering, tension and upsets are part of all types of psychological and physical healing. It is also important to know that any progress of improvement (1) takes time and is a “process” that happens over time; (2) will go “up and down” with good and bad periods as part of the healing process.
Suffering, problems, and struggles are important to our human growth and functioning. We may not want to go through difficult times, but these times “are teachers” that help us learn more about ourselves and life. Difficulties also help “toughen us” and provide for a “thicker skin” which helps us in the future to deal with even more difficult problems.
The key is to find a middle ground between avoidance/comfort and impulsiveness and jumping in too quickly in situations.
However, remember that while you may change your pattern, others may not have any motivation to change their own “avoiding/controlling ways.” You just have to be strong and know what you want and deserve in life.
