The reason that many people don’t solve problems is that they “personalize” everything that is said to them. They relate what is happening to some fear, some event, past memory, problem, or so forth, from the past that is “evoked” in the present by what another person says. As a result, discussions with people like this are never easy as they are always personalized based on fears and emotions, without any real future focus.
When we use emotions as our basis for solving problems, we tend to take things that other people says “personally” and see it is a personal attack. We feel we must defend ourselves, rather than just listing to another person’s point of view. Just as things seem to be getting better, emotions start to contaminate the present situation and make us feel “emotionally overwhelmed” and at risk yet again.
It is as though we are “struggling to survive” because we “know” that no one else will ever understand, support, and really care about us. We have a belief that, given the chance, other people will “screw us.” Much of this is based on an “internal” sense of inadequacy and insecurity. This belief system is based on the past where “survival” was the central issue to our lives.
There is always a hope that others will be able to “heal the past” if we are just able to be there for them. In reality, we have to allow and accept the present in order to heal the future.
However, there is always a great deal of disappointment in others who fail because they are human. Again, the problem is that the failings of others are personalized and create even more fear and anxiety.
Arguments with people who based their lives on “survival emotionally-based reasoning” rarely work as the person has to constantly defend themselves. Further, this proves to them that others cannot be counted on. In reality, there is much anger at the world for the past sufferings and this anger is then taken out in the present, over and over again. No matter what other people say, they are not believed for the words they use.
There is never a chance to be listened to when one is talking to a person who functions on an emotional level in response to whatever is brought up. In fact, this type of person is very fearful of taking risks because inside they feel they have to “fight” for their own safety and cannot ever risk again or they will end up feeling like a vulnerable helpless child. They insist that they have to talk it out, win what they are arguing about, and if this is not possible, they feel that they cannot trust the other person.
This results in a self-fulfilling prophecy, over and over and over again (i.e., stuck).
The Benefit of Problem-Focused Coping
Research has shown that problem-focused coping is the most effective tool to for better adjustment to whatever situation we find ourselves in. Solving practical difficulties (such as limitations, pain, daily functioning) through finding “active solutions” results in fewer health complaints and problems.
Problem-focused coping puts the person in charge to find those things that they can actively control and do to help with the situation. It also helps the person “move on” beyond the present problem to finding solutions.
It has a focus on the future no matter what the problems are. It is the person saying that they “can get beyond this and move on with their lives in a productive manner no matter what has happened.” It takes a person who is willing to look for those things that they can control rather than focus on what they have no control over.
Problem-focused active coping is associated with better adjustment, an improved immune system, lower levels of depression, and long-term better health.
The solution to the problem is to “stop” focusing on what other people need to do, understand, feel, accept, and so forth. Instead, the solution is to focus on oneself. This takes work, time, effort, frustration, and uncertainty.
Focus on Active Solutions
What this tells us is that how we approach any problem, any situation, any illness or disability, makes all the difference in the world. Getting caught up in the drama and emotions of the situation, who did what, why it happened, asking “how could they,” only keeps us more upset and confused.
Finding active solutions to problems is the answer. We have to change the way we approach life and problems and start to think differently. We move toward what we expect and we become what we fear. So if you are fearing an outcome, then you are actually setting up that outcome to happen!
There are two key emotions at play here: fear and desire. Fear will restrict, inhibit, and instill panic. Desire will propel you onwards to find positive solutions that you can control and participate in positively.
Avoid those who want to stay focused on the negatives, the emotions, drama, and depression. They only want to keep the “soap opera” going so that they have something to talk about in their lives. They also only want to keep you dependent and helpless. Negative people create friends who are depressed and helpless.
Focus on finding practical solutions to problems instead. Avoid those who bring you down. And surround yourself with those who know how to truly live.
