Affairs are rarely what they appear to be on the surface. The other person, the attraction, the opportunity: these are almost never the real explanation. What looks like a choice is usually the end point of a long process the couple was not paying attention to. This article draws on decades of Gottman Institute research and clinical work to explain what actually drives affairs, what needs they are attempting to meet, and what an affair usually signals about the state of the relationship long before it happened.
How to Say What We Need From Our Partner
Most relationship arguments are not really about what they appear to be about. Underneath the conflict about dishes, schedules, or tone of voice is usually a need that was never expressed directly. Learning to say what you actually need, rather than what you are upset about, is one of the single most effective communication shifts a couple can make. This article explains the Gottman Method approach to expressing needs positively and why this one change can shift how a couple communicates across the board.
Is My Past Trauma Causing Issues in My Marriage?
We have a tendency to believe that our marriage will “always be there” and never be in crisis. We also realize that all relationships have their ups and downs, and this helps prepare us for difficulties down the road. However, when a significant crisis or traumatic event happens, the stability of any relationship can be put in jeopardy.
Why Does it Hurt So Much When We Fight?
The process of “becoming a couple” is filled with many emotions, feelings, attitudes, risking and identification with another person. Relationship problems happen when these same emotions are injured in any way. When one “sees and hears” much blaming and emotions between a couple, it is clear that there has been an “attachment bond injury” that has to be healed before the relationship can continue and be healed.
Why Do I Keep Choosing the Wrong Person?
You ended the last relationship convinced this time would be different. Then you found yourself in the same dynamic again, with someone new. That pattern has a psychological explanation that has nothing to do with weakness or poor judgment. Drawing on Gottman Method research, this article explains why the brain is wired to seek the familiar, why familiar and healthy are not the same thing, and what breaking the cycle actually requires.