As a couple, you may wonder what the secret is to a happy, long-lasting relationship. While there are many factors that contribute to a strong partnership, the Gottman method, a well-respected approach to couples therapy, has identified one critical behavior that successful couples never engage in.
Quick Summary
The Destructive Power of Contempt
Contempt, one of the Four Horsemen behaviors that Dr. John Gottman has identified as detrimental to relationships, is a form of disrespect that goes beyond criticism. It involves treating your partner with disdain, mockery, or condescension, often through eye-rolling, sarcasm, or hurtful humor.
When contempt creeps into a relationship, it erodes the foundation of love, trust, and respect that is essential for a healthy partnership. Successful couples understand the destructive power of contempt and make a conscious effort to avoid it at all costs.
Cultivating a Culture of Appreciation
Instead of resorting to contempt, successful couples focus on building a culture of appreciation in their relationship. They make a habit of expressing gratitude for each other’s efforts, acknowledging their partner’s positive qualities, and celebrating their successes together.
Imagine a couple, Sarah and David, who have been married for ten years. Despite the challenges they’ve faced, they’ve made it a point to prioritize respect and kindness in their interactions. When Sarah cooks dinner after a long day at work, David thanks her sincerely for her effort. When David tackles a home repair project, Sarah praises his handiwork and dedication. By consistently expressing appreciation, they strengthen their bond and create a positive, loving atmosphere in their relationship.
Communicating with Respect and Understanding
Successful couples also know how to communicate effectively, even when discussing difficult topics or expressing disagreements. They avoid personal attacks, blame, and criticism, instead focusing on understanding each other’s perspectives and finding solutions together.
When conflicts arise, they approach the situation with empathy and respect, taking turns to listen and express themselves calmly. They use “I” statements to share their feelings and needs, rather than accusatory “you” statements that can fuel defensiveness and resentment.
For example, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” a partner might say, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to handle all the household chores alone. Can we work together to find a solution?” By communicating with respect and understanding, successful couples navigate challenges and grow stronger together.
The Path to a Thriving Relationship
Building a successful, long-lasting relationship takes effort and commitment, but by avoiding contempt and prioritizing respect, appreciation, and effective communication, you and your partner can create a strong foundation for your love to thrive.
Remember, change starts with awareness and a willingness to do things differently. If you recognize that contempt has crept into your relationship, don’t despair. With the help of couples therapy and a commitment to practicing new, positive behaviors, you can transform your partnership and experience the joy of a deeply connected, loving relationship.
P.S. You have the power to create the relationship of your dreams. By making a conscious effort to avoid contempt and embrace respect, appreciation, and understanding, you and your partner can build a love that lasts a lifetime. The journey may not always be easy, but with dedication and support, you can overcome any obstacle and create a thriving, fulfilling partnership.
