Most couples know what makes them feel criticized or dismissed by their partner. You can probably rattle off a list without even thinking about it. But here’s what’s interesting: When I ask couples to tell me what their partner does that makes them feel loved, respected, or admired, they often go blank. Or they struggle. Or they can only come up with one or two things.
This isn’t because your partner doesn’t do anything right. It’s because we’re wired to notice what’s wrong, what’s missing, what hurts. Our brains are threat-detection machines, constantly scanning for danger. That’s useful when you’re trying to survive, but it’s terrible for your relationship.
The exercise below helps to start to flip that script. Instead of cataloging complaints, you’re going to build a catalog of what’s already working. You’re going to notice the things your partner does that make you feel good, that make you feel valued, that remind you why you chose them in the first place.
What’s powerful about this is that when you share these lists with each other, you’re not just giving compliments. You’re giving your partner a roadmap. You’re telling them exactly how to make you feel loved. And they’re doing the same for you.
This simple exercise is a first step in rebuilding fondness and admiration in your relationship, a core component of the Gottman Method for couples therapy. It’s not a complete solution, but it’s an important starting point for couples who want to strengthen their emotional connection.
The Gottman Method Exercise: Identifying What Makes You Feel Loved
I want the two of you to sit down separately and write out 5 to 10 things that your partner either currently does, or has done in the past, that make you feel loved, respected, or admired. No more, no less.
These must be things your partner has actually done, or is currently doing. Don’t write down anything they’ve never done before. They can be small things like, “I feel loved when you make me a cup of coffee in the morning,” or “I feel so important when you hold the door open for me when we walk into a restaurant.”
Then, sit down together and share your lists with each other. Use this format: “I feel loved (or respected, or admired) when you […].” If you remember a specific example, share the details.
When you’re listening to your partner, let this in. Don’t rush to the next item. Really take in how much you made your partner feel loved, respected, or admired. Be proud of this.
Once you’re both done sharing, exchange your lists. You now have a secret decoder ring to your partner’s heart. You’re not obligated to do any of these things, but you’d be foolish not to consider them. You now know what can easily make your partner feel loved, respected, or admired.
Why This Fondness and Admiration Exercise Works
This exercise addresses one of the foundational elements of the Gottman Method: The Sound Relationship House theory. Fondness and admiration form the second level of this framework, creating a buffer against contempt and negativity in your relationship.
When fondness and admiration are low, couples become vulnerable to the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling). By intentionally noticing and expressing what you appreciate about your partner, you begin to rebuild the positive perspective that helps relationships weather conflict.
This is a starting point, not a complete solution. Gottman Method Couples Therapy involves multiple components, including conflict management skills, creating shared meaning, and building emotional connection through daily interactions. But every journey starts with a single step, and this exercise helps you begin noticing what’s right in your relationship instead of only what’s wrong.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who maintain fondness and admiration, even during disagreements, are significantly more likely to stay together and report satisfaction in their relationships. This exercise gives you a practical tool to start strengthening that foundation.