Researchers have identified specific patterns that put the relationship at risk of ending. Ask yourself where you would rate yourself and your partner. See if you can change your response style to improve things.
Pursuer / Distancer
Risk Level for Divorce: Highest
Typically, the more emotionally aware person raises problem issues in the relationship. Their partner dismisses these issues as unimportant, wrong, or the other person’s fault. They can only see their side of the issue and have a fear that others are trying to change or control them.
This toxic relationship pattern often leaves the pursuing partner feeling unheard and desperate for connection, while the distancing partner feels constantly criticized and controlled. While this pattern is highly treatable, it requires both partners to recognize their role in the cycle and commit to practicing new responses consistently between sessions.
Disengaged
Risk Level for Divorce: High
These are emotionally distant individuals who don’t need intimacy and lack mutual interests. Couples stuck in this pattern often describe feeling like roommates rather than romantic partners, going through the motions of married life without genuine emotional connection. The good news is that disengaged couples can rebuild intimacy when they’re ready to prioritize their relationship and create shared meaning together.
Dramatic
Risk Level for Divorce: High
Tumultuous and volatile interactions, marked by cycles of fighting and sex. This unhealthy relationship dynamic creates an addictive cycle where intense conflict is followed by passionate reconciliation, preventing couples from developing stable, secure attachment. Breaking free from this pattern requires learning to manage emotions and communicate needs before they reach crisis levels.
Cohesive
Risk Level for Divorce: Low
Shared responsibilities allow for each person to have independence. Sees the relationship as a helpful refuge and works to make it better. These healthy couples have mastered the art of being both connected and autonomous, supporting each other’s individual growth while maintaining strong relationship bonds. They approach conflicts as problems to solve together rather than battles to win against each other.
Traditional
Risk Level for Divorce: Low
Shares a traditional interpretation of “making the marriage work.” Each sees what they, not their partner, needs to do to make the relationship work. This relationship style succeeds because both partners take personal responsibility for their contributions to problems rather than blaming their spouse. They focus on changing themselves first, which naturally creates positive changes in their partner’s behavior over time.
The Four Horsemen
Risk Level for Divorce: Moderate
Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that the Gottman Institute calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
These destructive communication patterns poison even the strongest relationships, but they can be significantly reduced when couples are willing to do the hard work of changing ingrained habits. The couples who succeed are those who can handle direct feedback about their behavior and practice new skills even when it feels uncomfortable at first.
Flooding
Risk Level for Divorce: Highest
This means that your partner’s negativity, whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness, is so overwhelming that it leaves you feeling physiologically flooded. When you’re emotionally flooded, your heart rate spikes above 100 beats per minute, making rational discussion impossible and triggering fight-or-flight responses. Couples who learn to recognize flooding and take breaks during heated discussions can dramatically improve their ability to resolve conflicts constructively.
Body Language
Risk Level for Divorce: Low to Moderate
Certain physical changes such as increased heart-rate, sweating or lack of eye-contact are signs of distress and make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion. Your body often signals relationship distress before your mind recognizes it, making these physical warning signs crucial early indicators of communication breakdown. Successful couples learn to notice these stress signals and pause conversations before they escalate into damaging fights.
Failed Repair Attempts
Risk Level for Divorce: High
Repair attempts are efforts the couple makes to de-escalate the tension during a discussion. The failure of these attempts is an accurate marker of an unhappy future together.
When couples can’t successfully calm each other down during conflicts, even minor disagreements spiral into relationship-threatening battles. The ability to make and accept repair attempts is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success and can be developed through focused couples therapy.
Bad Memories
Risk Level for Divorce: Low to Moderate
In a happy relationship, couples tend to look back on their early days fondly. Struggles or “rough patches” are viewed as something they overcame together. Those with bad recollections of their past tend to struggle when they run into the bumps of life together.
When couples can no longer access positive memories of their relationship history, it signals that current negativity is overwhelming their emotional connection. Rebuilding a positive perspective on your shared story is essential for creating hope and motivation to work through current challenges.
How These Red Flags Show Up in Real Relationships
Many couples don’t recognize these patterns until they’re deeply entrenched. The Pursuer/Distancer dynamic often begins when one partner consistently brings up relationship concerns only to have them minimized or dismissed. Over time, the pursuing partner escalates their attempts to be heard, while the distancing partner withdraws further to avoid what feels like criticism or control.
The Four Horsemen frequently appear during everyday conflicts. What starts as a complaint about household responsibilities can quickly escalate to character attacks (“You never help with anything”), contempt (“You’re so selfish”), defensiveness (“I do plenty around here”), and ultimately stonewalling when one partner shuts down completely.
Early Warning Signs Most Couples Miss
Before Pursuer/Distancer Develops
- One partner consistently changes the subject when emotions are discussed
- Repeated phrases like “You’re being too sensitive” or “It’s not that big a deal”
- Feeling like you need to convince your partner that your feelings matter
Before The Four Horsemen Take Hold
- Conversations that should last 10 minutes stretch into hours without resolution
- Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid your partner’s reactions
- Small disagreements regularly become relationship-threatening fights
Before Flooding Becomes Chronic
- Physical symptoms during conflict (racing heart, sweating, feeling overwhelmed)
- Needing significant time to calm down after disagreements
- Avoiding important topics because past discussions went poorly
The Path Forward: What Healthy Couples Do Differently
Couples with low divorce risk share specific behaviors that protect their relationship from these destructive patterns:
Cohesive couples actively work as a team. They approach problems with curiosity rather than blame, asking “How can we solve this together?” instead of “Why did you do this?”
Traditional couples focus on their own contributions rather than keeping score of their partner’s shortcomings. They ask themselves, “What can I do differently?” before pointing out what their partner should change.
Both healthy couple types make successful repair attempts during conflict. These might sound like:
- “Can we start this conversation over?”
- “I’m getting overwhelmed. Can we take a break?”
- “I think we both want the same thing here”
- “This is important to both of us. Let’s figure it out together”
When Professional Help Makes the Difference
If you recognize multiple red flags in your relationship, don’t wait until patterns become entrenched. The couples who succeed in therapy are those who:
- Both partners recognize there’s a problem worth addressing
- Can handle direct feedback about their communication patterns
- Are willing to practice new skills between sessions
- Want to break destructive cycles rather than just vent frustrations
If your partner is resistant to change or refuses therapy, individual counseling can help you decide how to protect your wellbeing while giving the relationship the best chance possible. Many people find that working on their own patterns first creates positive changes in the relationship dynamic, and sometimes motivates a reluctant partner to join the process.
Research shows that couples therapy is most effective when both partners are motivated to change their own behavior, not just their partner’s.