Here is a list of what I feel are the most important therapy and psychology handouts to have. This list ebbs and flows as more resources are added.
Therapist Resources for Your Journey
Without Trust, Your Relationship Will Not Survive the Year
In many relationships, a recurring concern is the lack of trust, leading to the common question, “Why don’t you trust me?” This reflects a fundamental problem in a relationship without trust, where cycles of doubt and misunderstanding erode the bond between partners. Addressing this lack of trust is essential for a secure and healthy connection.
[Read more…] about Without Trust, Your Relationship Will Not Survive the YearConsequences of Not Having Personal Boundaries
We all want to be fair, kind and loving to the people that we care about. Sometimes that means going out of our way for them. At other times, it means putting up with a certain amount of crap. In the long run, we hope and bet on the odds that it’s worth it for our relationship to have a little give-and-take. However, giving out love without any personal boundaries can be extremely dangerous and carries extreme risk to our own sense of self and others.
[Read more…] about Consequences of Not Having Personal BoundariesWait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families
If you grew up in an unhealthy or dysfunctional family, it has drastically and permanently altered the course of your life. It is absolutely vital to understand how, specifically, this affects you so that you can stand a chance to change patterns of unhealthy choices and behaviors that plague you and your adult life. Left unchecked, these patterns can drastically sabotage everything you hold dear in this life.
[Read more…] about Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional FamiliesWhy Do I Keep Choosing the Wrong Person?
We often ponder why we find ourselves in challenging relationships that “go sour” despite their initially “promising” nature. Frequently, we find ourselves choosing the wrong person repeatedly, puzzled by this pattern. Often, we blame the other individual, believing the world is filled with “wrong people,” leading us to think we should either “avoid relationships altogether” or just “tolerate the situation.”
Taking Ourselves Too Seriously: The Impact of Codependency on Flexibility and Humor
Adult Children take themselves very seriously, are impatient and have problems being flexible. The spontaneous child got squashed many years ago. They even disapprove of others acting silly. They have trouble separating themselves from work. They work hard at figuring out life and proving themselves.
Taking Ourselves Too Seriously
For Adult Children, taking ourselves too seriously is a common struggle that stems from codependency. This mindset is characterized by an inability to be flexible, a lack of patience, and a disapproval of others engaging in lighthearted or silly behavior. The roots of this seriousness often lie in the suppression of the spontaneous child within, leading to a life that feels rigid and humorless.
The Consequences of Taking Ourselves Too Seriously
When we take ourselves too seriously, it has far-reaching effects on our lives. Flexibility becomes a challenge, as we struggle to adapt to changes or embrace new perspectives. Impatience creeps in, making it difficult to tolerate anything that deviates from our rigid expectations. We may find ourselves disapproving of others who exhibit playful or silly behavior, viewing it as immature or unproductive.
The Impact on Work-Life Balance
Taking ourselves too seriously often bleeds into our professional lives, making it challenging to separate ourselves from work. We become consumed by the need to prove ourselves, constantly striving to figure out life’s challenges and demonstrate our worth. This mindset can lead to burnout, as we neglect our personal needs and relationships in favor of an all-consuming focus on work.
Rediscovering Flexibility and Humor
To break free from the trap of taking ourselves too seriously, we must actively work to rediscover our inner child’s spontaneity and embrace flexibility and humor. This involves giving ourselves permission to let go of rigid expectations and embrace the unpredictable nature of life. It means learning to find joy in the present moment and allowing ourselves to engage in activities that bring laughter and lightness.
Strategies for Embracing Flexibility and Humor
- Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness techniques to help anchor yourself in the present moment and approach life with a sense of openness and curiosity.
- Engage in Playful Activities: Make time for activities that tap into your playful side, such as games, hobbies, or creative pursuits that allow you to let go of seriousness.
- Surround Yourself with Positive Influences: Seek out the company of individuals who embrace humor and spontaneity, allowing their lighthearted energy to inspire and influence you.
- Challenge Perfectionistic Tendencies: Recognize when your desire for perfection is leading you to take yourself too seriously, and actively work to let go of unrealistic expectations.
- Cultivate Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion, reminding yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes, embrace imperfections, and approach life with a sense of kindness and understanding.
The Importance of Flexibility and Humor in Healing
Embracing flexibility and humor is not only essential for our overall well-being but also plays a crucial role in the healing process for Adult Children. By learning to take ourselves less seriously, we create space for joy, resilience, and a more balanced approach to life. We become better equipped to navigate the challenges and uncertainties that come our way, finding light even in the darkest of moments.
The unfortunate truth is that taking ourselves too seriously is a common struggle for those dealing with codependency. However, it is possible to break free from this rigid mindset. By rediscovering our inner child’s spontaneity, cultivating flexibility, and embracing humor, we can learn to approach life with a greater sense of lightness and joy. Through mindfulness, playful activities, positive influences, challenging perfectionistic tendencies, and self-compassion, we can gradually shift our perspective and find a more balanced way of being in the world.
Inability to Have Fun: How Codependency Hinders Relaxation and Play
Adult Children have difficulty relaxing and just having fun or playing. It is difficult to sit still and relax. There is a need to be constantly doing something and keeping busy. No one played with them or taught them how to play, or even what the rules for playing are. They are afraid to take time off to play; they have to be always on. They have to put all their efforts into keeping up and pushing ahead. Life is difficult and stressful because it is hard to just sit back and relax and say, “it’s O.K. to just be me.”
The Roots of the Inability to Have Fun
Many Adult Children never experienced the joys of play and relaxation during their formative years. Codependent family dynamics often leave little room for carefree fun. No one took the time to play with them, teach them how to engage in leisurely activities, or even explain the basic rules of play. As a result, the concept of having fun and relaxing is foreign and uncomfortable.
The Fear of Taking Time Off
For those struggling with codependency, the inability to have fun is often tied to a deep-seated fear of taking time off. There is a constant pressure to be “on,” to keep pushing forward, and to put all efforts into keeping up with the demands of life. The idea of slowing down and indulging in play feels like a luxury they cannot afford. This fear stems from a belief that their worth is tied to their productivity and that taking time for themselves is selfish or irresponsible.
The Stress of Constant Busyness
The inability to have fun and relax leads to a life filled with stress and constant busyness. Without the respite of leisure activities, Adult Children find themselves caught in a cycle of never-ending tasks and responsibilities. They may feel like they are always running behind, struggling to keep up, and never quite measuring up. This perpetual state of stress takes a toll on their physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
Rediscovering the Joy of Play
Overcoming the inability to have fun requires a conscious effort to challenge codependent patterns and embrace the value of leisure time. This begins with giving oneself permission to relax and engage in activities simply for the sake of enjoyment. It involves redefining self-worth beyond productivity and recognizing that taking time for oneself is not selfish, but rather an essential aspect of self-care.
Strategies for Embracing Fun and Relaxation
- Start Small: Begin by setting aside short periods of time for leisure activities, gradually increasing the duration as comfort levels grow.
- Explore Interests: Identify hobbies or activities that spark joy and make time to engage in them regularly.
- Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness techniques to help quiet the mind and fully immerse oneself in the present moment during leisure time.
- Seek Support: Connect with others who prioritize fun and relaxation, and seek support from therapists or support groups to address codependent patterns.
- Reframe Thoughts: Challenge negative beliefs about the value of leisure time and replace them with positive affirmations about the importance of self-care.
The inability to have fun is a common struggle for those dealing with codependency, but it is possible to rediscover the joy of play and relaxation. By understanding the roots of this challenge, challenging codependent patterns, and actively engaging in strategies to embrace leisure time, Adult Children can break free from the cycle of constant busyness and stress. Prioritizing fun and relaxation is not a luxury, but rather an essential component of a balanced and fulfilling life.
Empowering Adult Children to Conquer Task Completion Challenges
Adult Children have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end. They may have great beginnings, but then have problems with full follow-through, because they are doing several things at once and trying to do everything. They have problems pacing themselves, and their activities, tending to become exhausted with all that they have to do.
The real problem is that they are not procrastinators in the usual sense. They came from homes of an awful lot of promises. No one took time to sit down and say “that is a good idea.”
[Read more…] about Empowering Adult Children to Conquer Task Completion ChallengesNavigating Normalcy: The Struggle of Adult Children
Adult Children never feel that they know what normal is. They think they know; in fact, they believe that they know it better than anyone else, but they are never really sure. Such individuals are actually very practical people who have learned to survive in life on instinct. However, this leaves them feeling insecure about what is really the right way of doing things.
They simply have no experience with what is normal. Growing up, they never had the freedom to ask, so they never know for sure. Their goal in life is to keep others from finding out that they don’t know. Instead, they have to guess all the time, which ends up being hard, lonely work. They missed out on the discussions with their parents about how to handle things. They have no frame of reference for what is ok to say and to feel.
[Read more…] about Navigating Normalcy: The Struggle of Adult ChildrenRelationship Red Flags and Warning Signs
Researchers have identified specific patterns that put the relationship at risk of ending. Ask yourself where you would rate yourself and your partner. See if you can change your response style to improve things.
[Read more…] about Relationship Red Flags and Warning SignsUnderstanding Relationship Health: A Guide to Strengthening Your Bond
In every relationship, navigating the journey of togetherness involves understanding and managing various emotional and practical aspects that contribute to what we call relationship health. As a Certified Gottman Therapist, I’ve witnessed first-hand how identifying and addressing specific areas within a relationship can lead to profound improvements in how couples connect, communicate, and commit to each other. Let’s delve into some key areas that are vital to strengthening your bond.
[Read more…] about Understanding Relationship Health: A Guide to Strengthening Your BondUnderstanding Your Partner: Unveiling the Mystery of Unshared Emotions
Why doesn’t my husband share his emotions? This question, often whispered in the quiet corners of our minds or during heartfelt conversations, reflects a common yet deeply personal concern among many partners. The silence that greets us when we seek to connect on an emotional level can feel both puzzling and isolating. But beneath this silence lies a complex world of feelings, beliefs, and, most intriguingly, meta-emotions.
[Read more…] about Understanding Your Partner: Unveiling the Mystery of Unshared EmotionsThe No-Nonsense Guide to Improving Your Relationship: The 5:1 Ratio Unpacked
You might be wondering, “What’s the secret to a long-lasting relationship?” Well, it’s not just luck or chemistry—it’s a science. Research from Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on relationships, has identified a simple but powerful formula: the 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. This isn’t just a feel-good concept; it’s grounded in rigorous scientific study. The essence is straightforward: for every negative interaction you have, aim for at least five positive ones. When you get this balance right, your relationship can thrive.
[Read more…] about The No-Nonsense Guide to Improving Your Relationship: The 5:1 Ratio UnpackedUnderstanding Emotional and Verbal Abuse: How Therapy Can Help You Heal
Emotional and verbal abuse is a topic that doesn’t get nearly the attention it deserves. Unlike physical abuse, the scars aren’t easily seen, but they cut deep. Many people don’t even realize they’re caught in an abusive cycle until it’s caused significant emotional damage. This form of abuse thrives in secrecy and ambiguity, making it difficult to understand and confront. But don’t worry, we’re going to demystify it for you, explain why it’s so problematic, and, most importantly, show you the role therapy can play in healing.
What Emotional and Verbal Abuse Looks Like
Ever heard the phrase, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?” Well, whoever coined that phrase didn’t know much about emotional and verbal abuse. Whether it’s constant belittling, manipulation, or psychological torment, this form of abuse seeps into your thoughts and reshapes your sense of self. There’s no one-size-fits-all pattern, making it difficult to identify. Think of it as a chameleon, adapting its colors to blend into your everyday life, making it hard to pinpoint but easy to feel its impact.
The Agonizing Cycle of Pain and Struggle
Imagine carrying a backpack filled with bricks. At first, you might think you can manage, but the longer you carry it, the heavier it becomes. The same goes for emotional and verbal abuse. The weight of derogatory comments, manipulation, and humiliation gradually crushes your spirit. Over time, victims find themselves trapped in a fog of self-doubt, confusion, and anxiety. Simple decisions become agonizing. You second-guess your worth, question your perceptions, and even doubt your sanity. Why? Because someone you trusted is playing puppet master with your emotions.
The Deceptive Nature of Emotional and Verbal Abuse
Why do people fall into this trap? Why don’t they “just leave”? Band-Aid’s not going to fix something that requires surgery, and the same goes for escaping abuse. Victims often stay because they’ve been manipulated into believing that the abuse is their fault or that the abuser will change. Plus, emotional and verbal abuse is often dished out in small doses, interspersed with moments of affection, creating a vicious cycle that leaves victims clinging to the hope of happier days.
The Benefits of Therapy for Emotional and Verbal Abuse
Seeking therapy isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a step toward empowerment. In the same way, you’d consult a doctor for a physical ailment or a therapist for emotional wounds. Working with a therapist gives you a chance to dissect the complexities of emotional and verbal abuse in a safe space. They provide tools to identify abuse, establish boundaries, and initiate a healing process. Therapy helps you unload that backpack of bricks and fill it instead with resilience, self-worth, and a sense of peace.
Take Action: Your Path to Healing Starts Here
So, what’s stopping you from taking that first step? False solutions and fear of judgment often paralyze victims. Let’s dispel that myth right now. Your well-being is too important to leave in the hands of anyone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Reach out to a therapist experienced in treating emotional and verbal abuse. Your future self will thank you.
The road to healing is within reach. Don’t walk it alone; let a therapist guide you to a life of emotional well-being and self-worth. Reach out today because you don’t have to carry that weight anymore.
The 3 Essential Steps for Transforming Your Relationship Today
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen couples stroll into my office, thinking a few tips and tricks are going to fix years of relationship decay. It’s like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound and expecting to walk it off. Spoiler alert: you can’t. That’s because genuine transformation is way different from merely having information. I’ve seen people miss this crucial point over and over, often when it’s far too late to reverse course.
So, if you’re really invested in turning your relationship around, here’s what you need to be doing:
[Read more…] about The 3 Essential Steps for Transforming Your Relationship TodayUnderstanding the Conflicted Parts of Ourselves (with IFS)
The primary tool I use to help people who struggle with internal conflict is known as Internal Family Systems (IFS). It has nothing to do with family therapy. More accurately, it’s not unlike being a wildlife observer. A really good one. Who has also read Clan of the Cave Bear. You’ll understand it all in a moment.
First, imagine a wildlife observer sitting down in a field, taking notes in his journal. He’s intent on learning more about the animal kingdom. After sitting still for a few hours, he notices a small squirrel innocently wandering around, looking for nuts. Without warning, a lion suddenly pounces out of the bushes in an attempt to eat the squirrel.
With a rush of adrenaline, The Poor Wildlife Observer immediately reacts. In a flash, he jumps up and tosses his clipboard and papers in the air as he rushes towards the lion in a panic. He waves frantically and yells at the top of his voice: “Bad lion! Shoo! Shoo! Go away!” He’s desperately trying to save the poor innocent squirrel. Startled by all of the commotion, the lion hesitates, and reluctantly backs off. The Poor Wildlife Observer picks up the little squirrel, cradles it in his arms and gives it a gentle caress as if to say that everything is going to be all right.
This is not the right approach to self-awareness.
Compare this with the behavior of The Good Wildlife Observer. He notices the squirrel and sees the lion pounce. However with this encounter, he does not react to what he sees. Instead, he allows the entire interaction to take place. Undeterred by the protests of the innocent little squirrel, the lion proceeds with his midday snack. The Good Wildlife Observer simply nods, picks up his clipboard, and with slow, deliberate action begins to write: “Lion exhibits squirrel-eating behavior. Interesting,” and shrugs.
The difference between the two wildlife observers is that one reacts, while the other one reflects. When we react to our thoughts and emotions, we don’t really notice what’s truly going on deep inside of ourselves. Reflection allows us to notice, observe and accept what is. You can’t change what you don’t notice, and over time, you’ll be able to choose to act rather than react. Acceptance and curiosity allows us to access a deeper, more complete picture of our emotional landscape.
This is one of the essential components in Internal Family Systems (IFS).
Introducing IFS
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a type of therapy that helps people understand and manage their complex emotions, thoughts, and beliefs. An essential component of this is that each person is made up of different “parts”, all of whom may have different goals, objectives and motivations. Understanding how they work and not working against them is the first step towards healing emotional wounds.
All About this IFS “Part” Nonsense
A client once expressed her concern over exploring her various “parts”. She didn’t want to buy in to this “touchy feely nonsense” without some understanding of how it works. Which is perfect, as I love it when clients want to understand how to use these tools better.
I suggested that she look at it like the situation with Ayla doing mathematics in Clan of the Cave Bear. For Ayla, learning to count was simple; in fact, she could count past ten even though she only had ten fingers. Her peers were dumbfounded; they were still stuck on the literal concept of not comprehending what fingers had to do with numbers. However, Ayla knew that her fingers were representative of a concept, specifically mathematics.
In the end, it doesn’t really matter whether or not we actually have different “parts” of ourselves or if we’re just using this as a way to represent our conflicting feelings and thoughts. It’s effective and incredibly illuminating to understand ourselves in this new light.
How to Effectively Sabotage Your Relationship
In 1944, the ClA wrote a handbook on how to sabotage an company’s productivity. This secret (now declassified) pamphlet was called “The Simple Sabotage Field Manual” and has several surprising similarities to how couples unsuccessfully communicate.
[Read more…] about How to Effectively Sabotage Your RelationshipEnhancing Closeness thru Vulnerability
Research has revealed that a very powerful predictor of relationship stability is whether couples spend time getting to know each other or not. One way to do this is to ask open-ended questions. An open-ended question is a question that can’t be answered by a simple “yes” or “no.” It is a question such as, “How would you like our life to change in the next five years?”
The ultimate goal is to change the way the two of you “move through time” together.
[Read more…] about Enhancing Closeness thru VulnerabilityGeneralized Anxiety Disorder
The key element behind this type of anxiety and worry is an intolerance of uncertainty. Over time, our excessive worry becomes persistent, repetitive and uncontrollable. We rush around trying to find solutions, yet we never end up finding any sort of relief.
When we worry, we tend to predict that bad things will happen to themselves or other people. These fears may even be based on real events. We try to figure out one or more solutions to what we fear will happen. However, since the “bad” event still hasn’t actually happened yet, we never end up being able to use our solution. As a result, we still continue to feel uncertain and anxious.
Adapting Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) uses a specific cognitive model in order to understand, interpret and effectively work with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). The cognitive model of GAD consists of four essential parts:
- Intolerance of uncertainty
- Beliefs about worry (positive & negative)
- Poor Problem Orientation
- Cognitive & Emotional Avoidance
Part 1: Intolerance of Uncertainty
When we can’t handle uncertainty, we tend to become intolerant of it. This intolerance tends to set us up for developing Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) as well as maintaining the disorder once it starts.
People without GAD may not like uncertainty, but they generally tolerate it. They tend to believe that if bad things happen to them, they’ll be able to cope.
GAD clients have a different perspective! They believe it is unacceptable to have any uncertainty. They fear that experiencing any uncertainty or ambiguity will actually cause more problems. There is even a believe that they would be irresponsible of they don’t try to eliminate any uncertainty.
Part 2: Beliefs About Worry (Positive & Negative)
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) clients suffer from dysfunctional beliefs about how worry works. They tend to have extreme views on how helpful or harmful worry is.
People with GAD might feel that worrying ahead of time can prepare them for anything that happens to them (extreme positive belief). Or they might feel that it is dangerous to experience worry and that any worry is uncontrollable (extreme negative belief). It’s the extreme beliefs that are the actual danger themselves, as they add fuel to the fire to make us worry more.
Part 3: Poor Problem Orientation
Those with General Anxiety Disorder tend to view any problems as threats. They aren’t very confident in their ability to come up with any solutions. This mindset sets them up to always expect a negative outcome when they attempt to solve any problem. As a result, they overcompensate by trying to create a perfect solution.
But, when you combine a Poor Problem Solving Orientation with an Intolerance for Uncertainty, this is what happens:
- You’ll keep trying to come up with a solution that you are certain will work.
- Yet the problem is still in the future, so you won’t be able to implement the solution at the moment.
- The result is that you can’t be certain that your solution will work, so you’ll continue to worry and come up with more solutions without actually choosing one.
Part 4: Cognitive & Emotional Avoidance
Ironically, worry itself is a way for us to avoid certain things. We don’t want to think of what things will look like if something goes bad. We start to imagine “worst case scenarios” and experience very distressing feelings. As a result, clients with Generalized Anxiety Disorder use worry as a way to avoid these thoughts and emotions.